Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Fresh Air

Yesterday I was pretty sick. Like, lay on the couch and just tell Kai to get his own food and whatever Koen wanted too. We survived. At one point in the morning I felt so terrible I started crying. Kai looked at me and said, `Mommy, are you crying?', I said `Yes' and wondered what sort of sweet thing he would do for me. He threw a pillow at me. I think he has Gary's style of dealing with emotional events.

We made it. I had to run one errand and while doing that, the two kids fell asleep in the van. That's how tired they were too. So, I left them in the van while I quickly ran in. I also went to Booster Juice and got a warrior juice thingy. All I can eat are smoothie type things and it has immunoboosters so that sounds good to me. So yummy, too. Please don't tell me it's all sugar. I made my own smoothie today with of oil of oregano, yikes, that stuff doesn't go down so well.
Today, I woke up feeling a little more alive. We got into the van and got our free Subway breakfast. Then, we went to the beach. It was so easy. I just sat on a log and they got all sandy and muddy and we left an hour later. Perfect. Then I didn't feel like such a lousy mom. It's been a tough couple of weeks. I have such a hard time just `existing' through each day when we are sick. I feel like it's such a waste of a day because I want each day to have something fun and adventurous in it. Not trying to sound dramatic but I always feel like I probably have about 20 years left because my mom died at 53. I want each day to count. By the way, I'm no crazy thinking this way. My dad just wanted to make it to 51 because that's when his dad died. Yup, I've got great genes.
The boys are on their way to be healthy. They just have these lingering coughs. I put Koen back into underwear today. Yikes, back to square one with him. There was no way he could've worn them while he was sick as he was passing out all over the place and so out of it. Now he just has to remember what to do...hopefully it doesn't take a whole month again!
I love that we live just 20 minutes away from the beach and it totally makes me look forward to this summer.
I'm really hoping Gary doesn't get sick because right now I need him to do a lot. Make dinner, put the kids to bed etc. Poor guy.

I'm just so happy to see my boys returning to normal. I'm trying to figure out how to boost their immune systems because they get sick so often. Koen was laughing today which made me so happy...he had a rough go of it. He always does. He is also non stop `A says ah, B says buh, C says kuh, Y says yuh etc.' and he knows all his letters too. Smartie pants. Fridge magnets I tell you.

Have a great night and enjoy the game tomorrow! I'm excited:)
Love, Louise

**I taught Kai at dinner tonight that when someone is crying, you can give them a hug or ask if there is anything you can do for them. Now, every time I cough, he comes running and asking what he can do for me. Kinda cute:)**

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Active Weekend

1. Friday Gary came home safe and sound. Awesome. That was the day we found out that we were also both sick with whatever the kids have (minus the pink eye). I'm so congested, the pressure in my head is unreal.

2. Saturday I had two football games. Then, I got home and showered and Gary and I went to the Keg for our 6 year anniversary dinner. My dad, who is a germaphobe, and Joanne, babysat our sickly kids in our germ infested abode. My dad let us take his convertible which I think Gary really liked a lot:)

3. Sunday we did the Run For Water in Abbotsford. We just did the 5km run and Gary pushed the boys in the stroller. Kai was great and Koen cried the whole time for me. He is sooooo not himself. It was a good route but it drives me nuts weaving in and out of people who run and then walk. My biggest pet peeve; people who slow down running down hill. Get out of my way people!! My time wasn't great (32 minutes) but I'll take it (I was 45/178 in my division). My niece got first place in the 13-19 year old division and ran it in 22 minutes! Crazy kid! I came in 1 minute after Gary and what's the first thing Kai says to me? `Why were you so slow mommy?'. Thanks kid.

4. I am going to try to get Koen into the doctor tomorrow because he has not been himself for a week now. The fevers are gone but the cough is unbelievable, he can't catch his breath. I'm hoping I feel better tomorrow because my there is so much pressure in my ears.

5. Had a gigantic family session today (extended family made up of 5 kids and their families) which was in a beautiful yard. I still have another wedding that I haven't started editing so it will be a busy, busy week. Looks like Kai won't be able to go to preschool tomorrow, due to his cough, which is so frustrating as he's already missed a whole week.

If you have any tips for draining your sinuses, let me know! Koen's got our humidifier so I think I'll just have a shower before bed to try to clear my head a bit. So annoying to have a head cold when it's 18C out!

The end.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Complainer Pants

I just need to say that Gary has been gone all week. He's hiking the Cape Scott Trail with his class (so awesome!). He'll be home at 11pm tonight. I am done. I can take care of the kids on my own, no problem. IF THEY ARE HEALTHY. Yikes. Normally there are our routines which include hanging out with my sister and her kids, going to preschool, going swimming, going to the park etc. When the kids have to be home because they are contagious (pink eye...Koen is still contagious with the green goop even though using an antibiotic ointment for the past 5 days) and sick and tired (croupy coughs/fevers), the days take forever.

Also, more importantly, they are not themselves. If they just sat on the couch and recovered, that would be one thing.
{Koen not wanting to be far from me. He has never fallen asleep like this before. I paid for this nap with him being up until 9:30pm.}

This is Koen all day long:
`I NEED SUMFING TO DWINK. I NEED SUMFING TO DWINK!'. I give him various options and fill up two sippy cups; one with milk and one with water. He takes them both and throws them away saying `I WANT NUFFING TO DWINK. I WANT NUFFING TO DWINK!' Over and over. He hasn't eaten in days so I know he needs to drink which I why I cater to this.

If I'm out of his sight `MOMMY! WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED YOU! MOMMY! CUDDLE ME!' which means I can get nothing done. And, he has coughed in my face about 723 times this week. I'm holding him right now while he finds various letters on the keyboard and coughs all over it.
{Koen is also back in diapers for this week. Please tell me he'll be back to being potty trained once he's better. He hasn't even complained about wearing a diaper which means he is out of it.}

And then, the nights. I had Kai in my bed several nights and also up several times for being sick. Koen has been up every 2-3 hours for the past 4 nights, crying and needing me. Did I mention they have been getting up at 5am for the day?
{Koen actually ate some ice cream. I thought it would cool him down and he actually ate it.}

Fortunately Kai is almost all good. Koen, on the other hand, is a couple of days behind him. When that kid gets sick, he gets sick. For my anniversary tomorrow, I just want to sleep in. I don't care how tired Gary is from his hike, he can get up at 5am.


Thursday, May 26, 2011

Our Marriage

On Saturday, Gary and I will celebrate 6 years of marriage. We're not doing anything too exciting to celebrate, just going out for dinner with just the two of us. Should be lovely and I'm excited. I love getting dressed up and going out! We are also having a photo session, with just the two of us, by Megan, sometime in the next couple of months which I am totally looking forward to. Like, a lot.

I have to say that it's been easy to be married but it hasn't been easy to have a good marriage. We're totally fine but I know we could be so much better. The main thing is that we let the busyness of life get in the way and that totally takes away from the time and energy that we need for each other. We do not have enough time for the two of us set aside. We get a sitter once every week or two, but that's for photography or our care group or something. We were supposed to go on a date on Monday but the boys were in the depths of their sicknesses (Koen is still in the depths) so we had to cancel. I know we need to set aside more time to have fun as a couple.

When I look back on our marriage, I think the lowest point was when Kai was born. Doesn't that sound terrible? My mom had died three months before and sleep deprivation was in full force. I wanted my mom around and she wasn't there to help. All I had was this annoying husband (I'm easily annoyed by the way). Once Kai started sleeping better, at 6 months, things improved greatly. Gary also had to deal with feelings of jealousy, in a sense. This little (10 lb) kid was getting all of my love, energy and attention and I was left with little for him to have. We made it through:) The second time, with Koen, was still tough, but so much easier. We knew what to expect and although sleep deprivation sucks soooo much, we had more patience for each other.

Thinking of some of the highest points of our marriage, I would have to say that there are a lot. Buying our first home. Getting pregnant with each boy. Meeting our boys for the first time. Going on holidays (Tofino, Drumheller, Alaska etc). Hiking together. And this is a weird one, but, seeing how Gary was when I was really sick. He gave 110% and did all he could for me while being super steady emotionally. Also, going through the adoption journey together has brought us closer together. We have learned more about ourselves and each other through it. Starting a business together...although it's not always the best idea to be partners with your partner, we sure do have a lot of fun with it.

When we got married, I wanted to have kids right away. Like, starting day 1. My mom had about a year left to live and I really wanted her to be around for it. Talking to friends, they encouraged us to wait at least 6 months. We did. Looking back, I wish we maybe had a little bit more time with just the two of us. Obviously I love my boys more than anything, but, I would've loved a bit more `Louise and Gary' time. We didn't date long and I was in Africa for 6 months right before we got engaged, and then, we were just engaged for 4 months.

I'm thankful for Gary. I'm thankful for his patience (mostly with me), hard work, and support with the kiddos. He's totally not who I imagined myself marrying, but he is so good for me, and, I like to think I'm pretty good for him. I look forward to the years ahead and hope and pray that we will grow old and wrinkly together. I say that not because I don't think we would be together, but because I hope we both live long enough to be old together, if that makes sense.

Happy 6th anniversary, Kiboko! (ha ha, I used to call him that because I liked the sound of it...it actually means `hippo' in Swahili which isn't the most flattering:)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Nine Months

(I only have a few minutes as the boys have been super needy all day...I just took them for a car ride to put them to sleep:) Yes, at 4pm, risky. They are just so sick and tired and Koen has refused to let go of me all day.)

It has been 9 months since we have been active on the adoption list. I've never gone 9 months waiting as both the boys were early! I actually have in my head that `full term' will be more like a year so then I will really start to feel antsy.

We just got a letter from our adoption agency about needing to update our home study since we are approaching a year since it was done. My, how time flies! There aren't really any changes to add except that I am now healthy and our basement is finished:)

I go through spurts where I feel super impatient and think that we should go international or redo our birth parent letters (I think mine is too long and there were a few mistakes in it that I would love to fix.....trying to be cool about it and just leave it be), just trying to do something different to try to make it go faster, but that passes after a few days and then I feel calm again. We still may go through Florida but after talking to the agency, I don't feel like the time is right for that right now. I think I start to feel more impatient when I see all of our baby stuff in storage and everyone starts making the next season of pregnancy announcements.

In regards to pregnancy announcements etc, I feel so much for moms that have lost a baby or child. My heart hurts for them so much. Being involved with NILMDTS has made me much more aware of it and how common infant loss is. Although I know it might be easier to just not be a part of it, the reality is that there is a need and it's something that can be done to help someone.

Not sure how to end this but I will say that I sure am thankful for my kids, with their goopy eyes, congested coughs and all.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Return of the Pink Eye

Kai's fever finally broke (**edited: nope, it's not gone. Both kids now have fevers. Awesome!). Nothing like trying to figure out how to force your 4 year old to take some ibuprofin when he detests medicine. I asked nicely, I was the tough guy, I explained how it works, I came up with different solutions (like one sip of chocolate milk, one sip of medicine etc), and I called in reinforcements (Gary). What worked in the end? Some serious bribery. What else could I do when his fever was over 103F for almost 12 hours? He now gets to pick whatever he wants at Toys R Us. By `whatever he wants', I'm thinking something for $5:)

We now have two sick boys with pink eye too! Awesome. Kai's is just red, Koen's is goopy green and he looks terrible. It's disgusting. Looks like pure green mucus coming out of his eye. GROSS. Both are grumpier than ever. What sick kids don't sleep? Mine. Up at 5am. Seriously kiddos, you need your sleep!!! Koen is such a handful right now and they fight like crazy. I'm exhausted. Seriously. Last night I slept with Kai and Gary slept with Koen. Not a whole lotta work getting done right now.

Any fun plans are now on hold as we hide in our house. Kai missed an awesome birthday party and the rest of the family is missing a barbecue today (I'm going to escape for a few hours!). Getting eye drops tomorrow which should be oh so awesome trying to get them in their eyes.

Is there anyone out there that has a kid in preschool who does not get sick every month? I'm so sick and tired of my kids getting sick! They always seem to get something a whole lot more `fun' than a cold and I'm tired of it. Okay, I'm done.

H0pe your household is a whole lot more fun than ours this weekend!!!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Summer Hits

Okay, so we've had two sunny days in a row and I am so happy! It feels so good to wear shorts, flip flops, sunscreen and all that jazz.
Three hits with the boys so far:
1. Orange juice and carrot puree Popsicles! (1.5 cups of orange juice, 0.5 cups of carrot puree). Only thing is that they were too big...wish we had smaller Popsicle molds.
{I love my kids so much but even I can admit they look pretty dorky above:) For memories sake, I just need to say that Koen wears these white shoes every day. He calls them his `fancy shoes'. When it's time to go outside, he always says, `I'll pick! I'll pick!' as he likes to pick which shoes to wear. Sometimes he thinks about it for a while but always picks the white ones:) Another thing for memories sake, to say yes, he always says `Wes!'.}

2. Bubble machine from Coscto. I have never seen a better one for it's price (less than $20). Billions of bubbles. The boys just chase them with sticks yelling `Attack!!'.
3. Sand and water table. We've had it for over a year now and it is a hit with kids of all ages. It's pretty much a mud table now but they love it. It is the most played with outdoor toy. Unlike the wagon we bought, biggest waste of money. Never used except to store toys. Talking about useful toys...the most used indoor `toy' for both of my boys (besides hot wheel cars) are the letter magnets on the fridge. Kai used it for years and now Koen is so keen on it. It is so useful during dinner prep time if they want to be near you. Koen is now learning all the sounds that letters make and it's super cute:) A funny thing that Koen does is describe things as lovely. We will see a tractor and he will say, `Mommy, a tractor! It's so lovely!.'
Have a fabulous long weekend! I have a photo session Friday, we have a wedding to shoot on Saturday, a family bbq on Sunday, and Gary and I are going on a biking date on Monday! Good times.
Love, Louise

Monday, May 16, 2011

Five Things

Waiting for pictures to import for work so I might as well update here a bit while I'm waiting!

1. I am now an affiliated photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I've read the training manual but am hoping that I don't get a call before the official training in June. I'm pretty nervous about it all, mostly about my emotional well being after a session. I won't be able to blog about it so I'll just need to make sure I can debrief with Gary.

2. Kai and Koen had a `sleepover' in Kai's room last night. I heard Koen wandering around at 3am looking for me downstairs. They have been waking up at 6am every day for the past month which is pretty exhausting especially since Koen stopped napping months ago. We are thinking of redoing the `baby room' to be a room for both Kai and Koen as it is the bigger room. Then, we would make Kai's room into the nursery. It doesn't seem like too much work, just painting and new furniture, but I'm nervous to do it. How will I do with an empty nursery all ready to go? However, I think I will feel better having everything ready to go if/when we do get `the call'. Any opinions on two twin beds vs bunk beds for the boys?

3. Work has been good but a bit too busy. May, June and July will and have been crazy but August will be my recovery month as we just have two weddings and 2.5 weeks of holidays in between them! We are booked as much as I would like into October so that's pretty much it for the year. I am constantly re-evaluating everything seeing how we can improve and how I can not work so much:)

4. I bought Kai some new (to him) shoes today. He saw them and said, `Those are so cool. I'm going to cry!'. Ha. And just a side note on my children, boy, do they talk a lot. It's exhausting. Another funny comment from Kai...we were at the community party this weekend and we got tons of free stuff. Anyway, some businesses were handing out free cloth bags. Kai got one and was so excited saying, `Woohoo! I have my own purse now!'.

5. I've been feeling off. Not sure what's going on. Headaches, pain in my chest, restless leg syndrome....grrr...so frustrating. I've also had TMJ dysfunction for about 10 years but it has gotten worse so I recently saw an oral surgeon about it. He recommends physiotherapy. Problem is that you need to go about 3 times a week for 2 months. Sorry, that doesn't work for our family considering the one he recommended is about 30 minutes away. He also recommended having the physio work with my posture which apparently sucks. I know. I know none of these are serious, just annoying:)

Okay, gotta go!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Picnic at the Park

This is what our house looks like every single day. The same three small bins dumped out and played with all day long; cars and Duplo. Koen cries every time we all clean it up at the end of the day.
Koen plays with his cars and Bob the Builder Duplo for hours. On his own. It's pretty incredible to me.
Kai takes his special toys to the kitchen table, out of Koen's reach.
When Kai catches himself in the mirror, he often starts dancing. He does this a lot during dinner time. He may have gotten this from me:)
Today the weather was amazing. This evening, we biked to Taco Del Mar (using coupons to get food for all of us for $10!) and then went and had a picnic at the park. So fun, we all loved it. I tried a `tag-along' bike for Kai that attached to my bike, but he's too small for it. We do have a bike trailer for the boys but I didn't want them sharing for longer trips because then we would hear a whole lot of fighting. Besides, then Gary has to pull 80lbs behind him too! I think that is our best plan though, unless we want to go at Kai's speed which is incredibly painful uphill.

I love the ages that the boys are at. So fun and easy to just get out and explore with them. I have a feeling the boys will need a shower every single day this summer. That's a great thing.

**PS There's a cute post below**


At the preschool Mother's Day Tea, the kids had to introduce each of the moms by name. During their practice session, the teachers had each kid announce their name and then their mom's name. Many kids didn't know their mom's name so the teacher would ask, `What does your dad call her?'. When it came to Kai's turn:

`Hi. My name is Kai. This is my mom. My dad calls her sweetie.'

Awwww:) It is true. Gary rarely calls me Louise. Even when we are arguing it's Sweetie or Sweets. I'll take it:)

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Lips All Gone

Me: Koen, can I have a kiss?
Koen (covering his mouth): No! Lips all gone!

Kai (right as the hockey game was starting): Mommy, you go grab a beer and I'll grab the white towels, and I'll meet you at the couch!
If the definition of being potty trained is staying dry and clean in your undies all day BUT having to be taken to the toilet every 1.5 hour, then Koen is toilet trained. He will never, ever go on his own. So, this is the next step. I'm still proud of him and I feel quite confident in his ability to stay dry during the day. He even wore undies to church:) The other thing Koen has been doing is locking Kai and I out of the house. This has happened at least 4 times and he has no idea how to unlock it (either that or he's good at acting like he doesn't know what to do). I always have to let the sitters know NOT to leave Koen in the house alone or even a minute! Time to initiate some serious consequences.

It's so funny seeing Koen go through the same stages Kai went through. I had forgotten some of it but it's all coming back. First the `Two white vans. Red car. Black truck. Where truck going?' blah blah blah about every vehicle we see. Now, it's not only that but letters too. `There's `S'. What S say?' `Mommy! There's `W'! What W say?'. Cute but a little exhausting:) (**By `What does it say, he means the sound it makes. A says ah etc. which Kai has learned and is trying to teach Koen.**)

Kai has a pre-kindergarten day coming up where he will meet his teachers and classmates, he is so excited! Kai is now 47lbs and quite the solid boy. He loves playing with the neighbour boys who are just a year older than him. We seriously love our neighbourhood so much, and if we moved, we would just find a house with a bigger kitchen and yard, in this same area. We are looking forward to biking without training wheels as soon as the sun comes out. Kai is pretty even keeled and the only time he cries is when he's overtired and is sent to time out for hurting Koen or not listening. Dudes, the two can fight now. Always over a toy that they forget about 10 seconds after it's dealt with.
Life is busy as Gary is working full time, plus two weddings a month, and basketball two early mornings a week. I feel busy as I'm working about 4 hours a day, 7 days a week while being at home with the kids full time. Basically I can only work during their one hour tv time in the afternoon and then when they are in bed. It just makes for a long day. I love what I do, but, I am sooo looking forward to three weeks off in the summer!

Gary and I had our last marriage workshop yesterday. It was good. I'm sad that we won't have that 1.5 hours a week set aside to work on our marriage. I've definitely decided to book a babysitter once a month to go on a fun date. I have the best time with Gary when we are out being active so that is the plan! I mean, we're active as a family, but to actually focus on each other is so important. Looking forward to our first date and I think I'll make it a surprise:)

Thanks to all those that have commented or sent me emails. Love the love! Sorry if you can't get your comments on my blog, I have no idea why it doesn't work.

Have a great week in this absolutely ridiculous rain.
Love, Louise

Monday, May 09, 2011


There's a much better post after this one:) I just need to vent. It's past midnight and I'm just waiting for my melatonin to kick in. This weekend sucked. I mean, the wedding was nice, and spending an hour with just my family this afternoon was nice (the rest was extended family stuff), but other than that, not so fun. I sort of just felt like laying in bed for 24 hours and feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to just read a good book, have someone serve me some good and healthy food, and not have to hear the kids fighting or thinking about what this weekend was. Unfortunately, I'm not free to do that until July when Gary can actually watch the kids and I have no commitments:)

I'm sad my mom isn't here and there are reminders ever single day. `Oh, my mom is watching the kids' `Oh, my mom and I went shopping' `Oh, my mom is driving me crazy' `Oh, is your mom babysitting the kids?' blah blah blah. Oh, how about every single person putting a picture of them and their mom on their facebook profile? Reminder, reminder, reminder. Obviously I don't want people to not talk about their moms, that's life. Somehow the word `cancer' is fine for me to hear, but the word `mom' gets me every time.

I know that I should be thankful for what I did have and please note, I am. I am also blessed with a whole binder of letters from my mom. We wrote each other weekly when I lived in Kenya and I'm so glad I have those. And of course, I have a whole 27 years of memories which are getting harder and harder to remember clearly. What did her voice sound like? Her laugh? What would she say to me if she was here now? She doesn't even know me as a mom, the biggest part of who I am now. That's the hardest part.

And then, a baby. Seriously, please know that I am so happy with what I have. A great husband and two kids just so full of life. It's hard to not be able to do anything but wait and pray and trust. I am so ready. It's happening all around me and I feel like shouting `God, I'm ready! Pick me!'. I really feel for those that are waiting to become parents for the first time and I hope I don't sound selfish wanting another when I already have two beautiful boys.

I'm pretty sure I'm just PMSing:) Gary's just sleeping now so I have no one to vent too. Okay, time to try to sleep and just get on with the week!

**Please note that there is a much nicer, friendlier post after this one:)**

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Mother's Day Mini Photo Session

Some cute photos of our family, taken by us. At least 3 times a year I like to try to do a mini session (30 minutes) with our family. It would be helpful to have someone else jumping around being goofy behind the camera because with just mom and dad there, the kids aren't too pumped. Next time we will go first thing in the morning as they were exhausted as it was in the afternoon, after church. Koen is at a difficult age where he refuses to look at the camera and apparently it was a bit bright based on their squinty eyes:)

I'm hoping to order some professional canvas prints and I wanted to get at least 3-4 photos that I love. Can't say we got them but these are only `lightly edited' so maybe I can fix them up a bit more. Any favourites from below?

I am so incredibly thankful for my boys. They are such a gift. This is what Kai had to say on the DVD the preschool made:

`I love my mommy because she teaches me so many things. That is why I'm so smart.'. Ha, complimenting himself in there:)

Looking forward to having an addition (or two...we'll see how one goes first:)) to our family photo one day!

To those that have lost their mom, or a child, or long to be mothers, my heart is with you on this day.

Love, Louise

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Kai's Advice

Kai loves to parent Koen. The other day I went to get their passport photos done and this is Kai's advice to Koen:

Kai: `Koen, no pooping when you are getting your passport photo.'

It would make for a funny photo! I guess because I'm always reminding Koen to use the bathroom these days, Kai feels he needs to remind Koen too.

And, along with the passport photos, I have booked camping on the Oregon coast, bought a bathing suit (found a Roots tankini that does the trick!), bought a bike rack (for 4 bikes that fits into our trailer hitch AND reclines so you can open the trunk!), and a bike seat for Koen. I am ready!!! Now, we just need it to be the summer and actually have some sun.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

On Marriage and Kids and Life

We had our third marriage workshop tonight. It was good. We were talking about our emotional intimacy, which in our case, is actually quite good. Vulnerability. Trust. Respect. All that jazz. Anyway, we really had to delve into the families we come from. Our parents personalities, their marriages etc. I can't believe how much it carries over into our own marriage, but, it really does. Thankfully we both come from solid families. Well, sort of. I've realized that my family is now not as `solid'. The anniversary of my mom's death is on Saturday and it will be 5 years that she's been gone. Obviously this is going to have some effect on our marriage, although I'm not entirely sure what it has been and will be. All I know is that my mom was my biggest supporter which means I desperately need validation, encouragement, and public affirmation from Gary. I need to know that he is proud of me. Also, due to the reality of death, I need to make sure that Gary would be fine without me and would have a plan in place in regards to living/child care etc. It might sound silly but I will even say things like `If I die, make sure you cut their toenails!' because he's never done it.
{My dad, sisters and I went out for lunch in memory of my mom this weekend}

We had to describe our parents marriages in 1-3 words. All I could think of was that their marriage is exactly what I want. You might think that I'm romanticizing them or just remembering the good stuff, but really, they started dating when they were 15 and were best friends. They had a fabulous marriage. They respected each other greatly, they held hands daily, they supported each other in everything, they never raised their voices, they travelled together, they were just happy together. My mom thought my dad was pretty funny and she was always laughing and smiling with him. Sure, my dad has his quirks which would drive my mom crazy but she loved him for it. She would secretly get rid of his garage sale finds that he had forgotten about:)
{The other side of the table. Jan, me and Jackie. Jan and Jackie are not just my sisters, but nurses who really helped out with my mom's palliative care at home, where she decided to stay until the end.}

When Gary and I compared our families and the descriptive words I had used for them and their marriage, I couldn't help but cry. I miss my mom and her role in my life. I am forever grateful for the time I did have with her and the relationship that we had. I am thankful the the example of a loving mother and wife that she was for me. This weekend will be ridiculous with her anniversary on Saturday and Mother's Day on Sunday. I'm thankful that I'm busy with a wedding on Saturday at least.

In regards to marriage, I'm thankful that Gary and I are attending these workshops. I think it would be helpful for us to attend counselling or more workshops down the road. There is nothing wrong but when I imagine how good it could really be, it makes me excited. I'm thankful that Gary actually enjoys it too. There is no way I could get him to read a marriage book with me but this causes him to think and reflect on our marriage and all that is involved with it.

In another area, Gary and I had `the talk' last night. About a baby. Nothing new here but I just feel so badly that I need to know that there is a baby for us. It is completely possible that we will never be chosen. Do we decide to try to have a biological child? Do we try to go international? All I know is that I feel like we are where we are supposed to be. It doesn't make it easier, but it feels right. I feel like domestic adoption is so, so, so right in my heart. It's just hard when things are so slow and there is no news. I think I will be okay until the fall but once that hits, and we're over a year of waiting, I think I will be a bit more stressed/panicky. I am a very scheduled and efficient person. I am shocked that I have done so well so far:) Also, next month, Koen will be the same age that Kai was when Koen was born. That gap was so perfect and I just feel like we are so ready. I know that we are not done. Do you know that feeling? I just know that we are meant to have 3 kids. I know I just need to trust God on this, and I do. But. I'm getting a little scared. I'm sure this is normal. I'm sure that one day I will look back at this and smile because I will see God's timing in all of it. A good friend of mine (Ali) mentioned that sometimes it's easier to see God in something when it doesn't go according to our plans. I think it's true. I know He's in it. I need patience, trust, and peace.

So ya, that's where my head is at these days. Life is good but just a little emotional these days:)

Sunday, May 01, 2011

28 Months

Koen is getting so old! I wish he could stay at this age. I feel like we are all moved out of the baby stage and I don't know what to hold on to. I mean, he still wears diapers at night but other than that...what's left? Sippy cups? I love the way he talks, it is so incredibly adorable. He copies pretty much everything Kai says which makes me smile.
{You can see the rash by his mouth, I'm pretty sure he's allergic to strawberries.}

About once a week, he ends up in our bed at about 4am. I think he is having bad dreams and he settles down immediately in our bed and falls asleep. Never thought I would let my kids sleep with me but if it gives us a few more hours sleep, I'm in! Talking about sleep, when I see him lying there in bed, all I can think is that he is so big. How did that happen so quickly?

{Koen will often say, `I lub Bubi so much'. Kai is slowly outgrowing his blankie so as long as we don't lose Blue (Koen's Bubi) in the next 2 years, we should be good:)}

Koen just seems so mischievous. I love it. I can't look at him and not smile. He is pretty much out of the stage where he tears our house apart or does anything too naughty.

I do love the freedom we have with him not napping. The only thing we are scheduled to is that the boys need to eat dinner by 5:30pm and be in bed by 8pm. Other than that, we're pretty flexible and it's nice!

Although the boys love their Daddy Bear and spending time with him, both are still momma's boys and I love it. A lot. Koen could play trucks and cars all day long. And he does. All. Day. Long. Where Kai would love to play outside, Koen would rather stay in the house and play with all his cars. Unless we put the bubble machine on outside, Koen loves that. Oh ya, Koen also LOVES going for family walks and can walk long distances no problem. Just a bit slower:)

I love this kid so much. He brings me so much happiness and joy. So thankful for my Kokies.