Monday, May 09, 2011


There's a much better post after this one:) I just need to vent. It's past midnight and I'm just waiting for my melatonin to kick in. This weekend sucked. I mean, the wedding was nice, and spending an hour with just my family this afternoon was nice (the rest was extended family stuff), but other than that, not so fun. I sort of just felt like laying in bed for 24 hours and feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to just read a good book, have someone serve me some good and healthy food, and not have to hear the kids fighting or thinking about what this weekend was. Unfortunately, I'm not free to do that until July when Gary can actually watch the kids and I have no commitments:)

I'm sad my mom isn't here and there are reminders ever single day. `Oh, my mom is watching the kids' `Oh, my mom and I went shopping' `Oh, my mom is driving me crazy' `Oh, is your mom babysitting the kids?' blah blah blah. Oh, how about every single person putting a picture of them and their mom on their facebook profile? Reminder, reminder, reminder. Obviously I don't want people to not talk about their moms, that's life. Somehow the word `cancer' is fine for me to hear, but the word `mom' gets me every time.

I know that I should be thankful for what I did have and please note, I am. I am also blessed with a whole binder of letters from my mom. We wrote each other weekly when I lived in Kenya and I'm so glad I have those. And of course, I have a whole 27 years of memories which are getting harder and harder to remember clearly. What did her voice sound like? Her laugh? What would she say to me if she was here now? She doesn't even know me as a mom, the biggest part of who I am now. That's the hardest part.

And then, a baby. Seriously, please know that I am so happy with what I have. A great husband and two kids just so full of life. It's hard to not be able to do anything but wait and pray and trust. I am so ready. It's happening all around me and I feel like shouting `God, I'm ready! Pick me!'. I really feel for those that are waiting to become parents for the first time and I hope I don't sound selfish wanting another when I already have two beautiful boys.

I'm pretty sure I'm just PMSing:) Gary's just sleeping now so I have no one to vent too. Okay, time to try to sleep and just get on with the week!

**Please note that there is a much nicer, friendlier post after this one:)**


  1. Still thinking of you Louise. I hope you know you are not alone in your feelings. I am learning as I get older that Mother's Day is far from happy for many people. Hugs to you!

  2. Louise, a part of why I love to read your blog is that you are honest (even if you are not feeling "friendly" or "nice"). I am so sorry that you had such a sucky weekend. I wish your mom could know you as a mom - I'm sure she'd be proud:)

  3. Marsalie-thank you. I know you know:)
    Mandeep-you are always such a thoughtful person, thank you for the hug at football practice:)

  4. Venting is totally allowed.


  5. Big virtual hugs, Louise.

  6. I once had a dream about my mom buying me the perfect Christmas present - and woke up poignantly sad knowing that that was just NOT something she could do when she was alive - and that it had to be a dream. (my dreams are the best place for me to remember her voice & laugh - which is what prompted this memory).
    I wish my mom had met my daughter - Aria talks about her Oma in heaven just like she talks about her Grandpa & Grandma in Ontario - figuring both just live far away.
    The hardest times for me are when people are complaining about their moms, or when their moms are close enough to babysit - my mom would have LOVED that so much.
    I get it.
    You're not alone being our age and missing a mom. But that doesn't make it any less lonely some days.

  7. found your blog through a friend's and wanted to say I totally understand. I lost my mom when I was 20, so she missed me getting married, having my children and there isn't a day I don't think about how unfair it is and how much I miss her. Only those in the same situation understand the hurt... 11 years later and I still ache on Mother's Day.