Have You Written out Your Relationship Values?

If you're anything like me, it feels like there are many decision to be made each day. Right now some of them include a long list of "To Do" items around the house and which ones to do first and how much to invest financially and time-wise into each project. Do we just scrap the "To Do" list and head to the beach because there are "only 18 summers"? (I don't love that sentiment by the way but that is for another post). How do we want to spend our time together as a couple and as a family this summer? How do we work on our relationship while carrying on with life?

Photo by Shannon Lee Photography

When You Find out You are a Perfectionist

I recently took the Enneagram test to learn more about myself – why I do what I do in both a healthy state and under stress and what that looks like in childhood, relationships and at work. After completing the free online questionnaire, the results were in and I was sure they were mistaken. I must have answered some of the questions incorrectly; maybe I was indicating how I was striving to be rather than how I actually behave. I retook it changing some answers I was on the fence about. Same results.

What I Wish I Knew Before Saying I Do

I don't know if I have ever had a bigger mix of feelings than the night before Gary and I got married. I realized the magnitude of what was to be – til death do us part. There was deep excitement and a whole lot of fear, to best honest. We had a rocky dating relationship (date, break up and repeat) which I never imagined would be the case with the man that I was supposed to be with forever. I figured that when you met "the one" it would be easy from that point on because it was meant to be. Maybe working through those stages helped realistically prepare us for what was to be in a lifetime together.

The next day, as I stood with my parents about to approach the aisle, I asked my mom to tell me a joke because I could not handle the range of emotions. She told me one about a cow that I wasn't able to processs it but it allowed me to walk down the aisle while staying emotionally intact. It ended up being the best day of my life.

What Our Arguments Are Really About

This past weekend we took a course called Hold Me Tight. It is a program that focuses on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). It is the idea that we are dependent on one another for attachment needs (comforting, protecting and nurturing) just as a child is on a parent. It includes working on our emotional connection through being open, attuned and responsive. Here I am touching on the arguments that we have and why we have them which is just one aspect of the course. I found it insightful and I hope you do too.

There I am rage-folding the laundry. Fold roughly. Sigh. Huff. Fold roughly. Sigh. Huff. What has just happened? Well, from the outside it looks like something like this:

What I've Learned Over the Years

Yeehaw! It's my 39th birthday today. What does that mean to me? First, it makes me think of my mom. Anyone else really feel that connection on their big day? I was not the easiest to birth but she did go on to have four more. Thanks, mom. 

In some ways I still feel 26 where I think I'm young and hip (do people say "hip"?) and in other ways I'm definitely feeling my age (turn down that TV so I can think, but wait, turn it up so I can actually hear it).  I'm looking forward to the big 4-0 next year and feel that 40 isn't actually as old as I always pictured it–I feel good! 

Life has not gone as I expected; it's even more complex and meaningful than I imagined. It has been a great learning journey and I'm thankful for the knowledge that I have – not the academic information which has sort of faded and gotten jumbled, but all that I have learned about life and family and love.  For this birthday post, I would like to share some things that I would tell my 20-year-old self. Well, I wouldn't really tell myself half of these things ahead of time because I do learn best through experience but oh do I wish I knew #3 and #23.

When Life Isn't How We Pictured It

When we are doing life, you know, going out for a walk or grocery shopping or playing sports, I often wrestle with the fact that our family isn't "normal".  There are extra difficulties that we have to deal with almost every single time–this means more preparation, bigger feelings...just greater energy required overall. Except, if we struggle and often appear normal, then so many other families must be in the same situation, right?

Being Brave in Marriage

While sifting through my old journals, cards and letters trying to find correspondence with my oma that recently passed away, I came across the journal that contained the dating journey for Gary and I.  Over the next hour, I read two years worth of messy feelings out loud to him (just the parts that related to him–I wrote a lot). He had never heard half of the vulnerable thoughts that I had and now I felt comfortable sharing them over 12 years later.  

Five Marriage Tips From His Perspective

One of the many things I have learned over 11 years of marriage is that Gary and I differ in how we feel loved and how we believe our marriage is doing. Although we have a solid foundation, we've had to stretch and grow a lot over the years and I'm thankful that we've both been willing to invest. I asked Gary what tips he would give to women to understand their men better and this is what he came up with...

Five Marriage Tips From His Perspective:

Choosing to Love

"I made the choice to love you." What?! A choice? Like, you didn't really feel it but made yourself?  Does this mean that your heart doesn't feel "the love"? I was so confused by my husband's statement – weren't you supposed to be in love with your spouse?  Slowly I have realized that this is truly a wonderful thing. He does not base his love for me on his feelings; it is unconditional. I don't need to worry about earning his love through awesome home-cooked meals, wearing skirts, and assuring him daily that he is a hot provider (although this probably wouldn't hurt our marriage). He loves me when I'm irritable and in my sweats (although he draws the line at a pair of onesie pj's I have!)  He is committed, in love, to our relationship. I wish I was better at this.  I do love him, every day, but I often let my emotions get in the way – I'm a passionate woman; I feel those highs and lows to the extremes.  In those moments, where I'm frustrated, I remind myself, "He is a great man. I love him. I love him. I love him."

10 Ways To Improve Your Marriage

As a wedding photographer, I see the time, energy, and money invested into a wedding.Yes, it truly can be the happiest day of your life, but what about the "from this day forward" part? How much effort is invested into the marriage itself? It's easy to slip into a relationship where you just co-exist. What about living in a marriage where you are having fun and enjoy being together?

As we approach our 10th wedding anniversary, I took some time to look back at the nuggets of wisdom I've gained and here are some things that I wish I understood going in:

1. Respect.  
Thank him for the work he does each day. Trust his decisions. He has been driving for years just fine before you were in the picture and your "tips" are not actually that helpful. What he is probably hearing from you is that he's not a good driver and you don't trust him.  Did he get some paint on the ceiling when he painted that bathroom? Don't point it out as I'm pretty sure that he knows it's there. Instead, just thank him for his hard work. Finally, always speak positively of your spouse in public.

2. Watch your tongue.  
Make your home a safe place where he wants to be and where he can be himself.  Over time he may become more comfortable sharing his insecurities and these are things that you should never use to hurt him. This is a hard one for me as I tend to speak before thinking about what I really want to say, especially in a heated moment. James 3:4-5 has a great analogy of our tongues being small but having the power to steer a conversation and relationship like a rudder on a ship.

3. Realize that he's not your girlfriend.  
I love saying "Guess how much I paid for this!" or "What do you think of this dress?". Gary's not into that game and won't share that excitement. He isn't sure how to answer the question about the dress other than saying "It looks great." You can let him know what you'd like to hear but I wouldn't count on him gushing like a girlfriend might. Also, he will usually try to solve a problem when all you want is to be heard with a sympathetic ear. Let him know you would just like him to listen if it's going to frustrate you.

4. Make him feel wanted.  
Let him know you think he's handsome. Reach out to initiate hugs and kisses and...whatever else. Let your partner know what you need, like, and hope for. Husbands–make sure you tell your wives that they are beautiful, too!

5. Put him before the kids (and/or work).
This can be hard, especially when the kids are young and just need us so much. Wouldn't you rather approach parenting as a strong, happy unit? Wouldn't you love to enjoy time with your spouse each evening once those little monkeys are in bed? One day they will move out and we will be left with our spouse. It is so healthy for kids to see this marriage relationship being a priority.

6.  Be intentional.
Our 8th year of marriage was our hardest.  We were tired from having three young kids and were busy with work. We survived in a business type mode and there was not a lot of fun. Although we were working well as a team, we weren't connecting and enjoying each other's company. Make the effort. Even if the other person doesn't want to, just start and you will see results. Read books. Attend marriage classes or counselling. You can't change them but you can change yourself. When things are going well, don't stop putting in effort! You wouldn't quit working out once you were at the fitness level you were hoping to achieve so don't do that with your marriage either.

7. Focus on the positives.
If you see a wet towel on the bed and dirty clothes on the floor, don't let your mind start going to all the ways your spouse has let you down. Instead, focus on what he does do. He works hard. He takes care of the kids. He makes dinner a couple of times a week. He takes out the garbage. Whatever it is, focus on those positive things. Turn those negatives around. For example, if you're frustrated that he's a procrastinator, appreciate that he's laid back. This doesn't mean you don't need to mention the wet towel, just be aware of how often you bring it up and the tone of your voice.

8. Spend time together talking, sharing activities and in bed. 
Usually an investment in the first two leads to the third. Have fun together. Pray together. Share together. Figure out what activities you enjoy doing together and do them. Going into our marriage I thought we would always have ample time to hang out together and I didn't think about how life (kids) would affect that. We enjoy hiking as a couple and realized early on that playing tennis together was not an ideal activity.

9. Fight fair.  
Try not to use the words "always" and "never" or "remember when".  If possible, enter the discussion calmly. If you feel like you are going to be unable to discuss something respectfully, I would encourage taking a few minutes to calm down. There may have been an incident where I threw a bag of potatoes across the kitchen. You don't want to say something you will regret. Don't be stubborn as it's not worth it to try and win. There is no winning. Try to work towards compromise and a solution. Working through a problem towards a solution is so much more satisfying. Here is some wonderful insight we gained on how and why we argue that we worked through at a marriage workshop: What our Arguments are Really About.

10.  Recognize that we see things differently.
When I come into the house, I see shoes in the hallway, dirty dishes on the counter, and a laundry basket at the bottom of the stairs. What does my husband see?  Not those things. Sometimes they really don't see what needs to get done and it's not that they expect you to do it, they just need it pointed out gently. Other times, it's just not high on their priority list. Often I just ask for those items on the To Do list to be done by a certain date or time. Believe me when I say that it's not worth it to leave an item out to see how long it will take to get cleaned up.

Please make sure you put the effort in even if the other person doesn't see the need.

Check in with each other to see where you feel your marriage is at.  We give our marriage a grade by using a percentage to get an idea of how each person is feeling (86% for me and 88% for Gary right now).  And finally, just to make things a bit easier; Whoever gets out of bed last is responsible for making the bed.

What advice would you give?

Love,
Louise

Please pin here for later:

PS I asked Gary for a Bonus Tip from his perspective: Husbands, try to look nice before leaving the house.  Your wife feels it's a reflection on her in regards to how you are dressed.

One Secret to a Happy Marriage

Recently I was reading `Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage' and one thing that stuck out to me was the importance of the gift of time.  It doesn't have to be a formal date, or deep discussions over dinner, it could just be driving together or sitting in the same room. Geographical closeness.

Over the past year and a half, we have really been working on our marriage.  It used to be that when Gary came home from work, I'd go straight to the office to work on photo editing.  Now that I've reduced the amount of photography that we are doing, we have so many evenings together!

We only have one tv (okay--we have one in the basement but it's too cold down there!), so that is where we hang out.   Gary and I love 7:30 pm as the kids are all in bed and it's our time.  We usually clean up, do some work, exercise, and by 9:00 pm we're on the couch watching our favourite shows.  We watch on Netflix so that we can find something that we both like (we're currently watching Homeland.)

I used to think that just sitting together in the same room wasn't quality time but my opinion has changed on this.  When the kids were young I would want to "escape" a lot.  As soon as Gary came home from work or basketball practice, I just wanted to leave the house by myself.   "Me time" is helpful but I think it's really important to balance that with spending time together.  Sitting side-by-side on the couch is a great time for us to talk about our day and plans for the week.  Inevitably, you are going to connect more, physically and emotionally, if you are side by side on that couch!

What do you think about `the gift of time'?  How do you spend time together?

Love,
Louise

PS I'd love to have you join me and the discussions over on Facebook and Instagram!

Our Marriage In 2014

About one year ago, I made the resolution to make Gary a greater priority than my children.  We were through the roughest part of parenting (sleep deprivation!) and it was time to seriously invest in our marriage.  I was not happy.  I felt exhausted, annoyed, and unappreciated.

The very first step was realizing that I had to change MY mindset. What?  I wasn't supposed to change him? This was key.

Then, I read a great book by Shaunti Feldhahn called `For Women Only'.  You can see all the posts about it here.  They're good. I promise.  I wish I could recommend just one but I can't. 

Where are we now?  Much better.  Seriously.  

What are the biggest changes?  

1.  We are more respectful to each other.  In front of the kids and when they are not around.  It's not hard either because I just don't feel as annoyed. More patience. More hugs.  Less `Why are you...?'.   I know I still have a little ways to go on this. 

2.  We spend more evenings together.  This has been wonderful.  Even though Gary is coaching basketball now, we have at least 3-4 evenings a week where we can cuddle on the couch and watch a show together (right now it's `Suits').  If you are on a couch, near a fireplace, with a beer or snack in hand, sharing a blanket, watching a show you love...this generally leads to more intimacy than if you are working in separate rooms.  He knows that I want to be with him.  And let me be blunt: Sex is important.  Go to bed at the same time. Schedule it if you have to.  Just do it. And if you don't want to, you really need to look into why and figure out a solution.

3.  We've each lost 15-20 lbs.  This was never in the plans but it has really helped me feel more attractive.  I put more effort into how I look and I know what he likes (skirts, in case you were wondering).  I find him more attractive too because he is taking better care of himself.  I'm not saying weight loss = better marriage.  What I am saying is that putting an effort into our health/fitness/how we look = better marriage for us.

I know this will continue to be a work in progress, especially as we start on a new journey of foster parenting in 2015.  I'm thankful for where we are and I'd encourage anyone who is less than happy with their marriage to do something about it.  Read my marriage posts, there's some great information in each one.  And please, if you have any advice or encouragement to share, leave a comment.  

I hope you have a wonderful rest of the week. Spend some time cuddling on the couch  ;)

Love, 

Louise

Also, if you use social media at all, please join me on Instagram, Twitter or facebook :) 

Romance At Costco

This is the final post on marriage that I'm doing (for now!) It is about romance; the feeling of excitement and emotional attachment associated with love. You can find the previous posts on marriage here.

I have a friend whose husband took her to Costco for a special occasion and she was completely confused (amongst other feelings.)   Gary may have taken me grocery shopping for Mother's Day last year. With the kids.  Yes, we like our walk to Extra Foods but we do it ALL. THE. TIME.   What were they thinking?  They were probably thinking that just spending time together doing something is romantic.  Most men want romance but are often afraid of failure in this department.  One of the reasons there may be a fear of failure is because their idea of romance may just be different than ours. In Shaunti Feldhahn's book, "For Women Only", it says that 60% of men desire the candlelight dinner but almost 40% said they preferred being active or going out and doing things with their wives.

{We did go out for dinner for our anniversary last week: Fat Cow And Oyster Bar.  Great food}

I asked Gary if he thought going to Home Depot or Costco together was romantic and he said, "It's not not romantic." So, there you go.  When we might get really disappointed in how they plan something, it may be that we just see it differently.   I'm thankful that I personally find it very romantic and fun to go hiking, camping, snowshoeing and running together.  Not that we do it often because of the kids, but when we do, it's awesome.  Since having kids, we have not gone on an overnight hike together and therefore are planing one for Garibaldi Lake this summer.  I hope it's as romantic as I think it will be...with all the sweating and mosquitoes:)

                             

{I wonder if he found renovating our basement romantic? I did not.}

I have friends who show their "romantic" side with their husbands by golfing or playing video games with them.  Yes-- not my idea of romance but it may be theirs.  I would encourage you to ask him what his idea of romance is and then learn something new about the man in your life.

{Hiking the Stein Valley together.  Super hard hike in Grizzly country.}

To support your partner in the romance department, it's good to recognize their efforts (so when they suggest a post dinner walk, that's romance even though you may be wrangling three kids) and to encourage him (not criticize-oops!)  I know I personally have very high expectations for Mother's Day and I always seem to be disappointed.  The "small" things he does are met with "That's it?" and that is terrible of me.  If I encouraged those smaller things, I'm sure there would be more of them.
                                 
                                               

{Hiking at Harrison.  Gary said it is romantic when I devote 100% of my attention to him and not worry about getting back to the kids or whatever else we have to do.  Point noted.}

There are other issues connected to this like how we feel love.  I know so many times I've said, "Gary, can you just let me know how much you appreciate and love me?" and he'll say, "But I cook for you!"  The way we communicate our love is different and I think figuring that out early on in your relationship is definitely helpful.  Now I know when he cooks for me he's really shouting out, "I LOVE YOU!!!!" (and Gary does not speak in exclamation marks.)  I highly recommend the Five Love Languages if you haven't read it yet.

I'm going to make this one short but to sum up the whole book ("For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn),  I think if we can meet and address these inner needs of our men, he can more fully become who he was meant to be.  It's like having a cheerleader alongside cheering,  "You are great! You can do it! I believe in you!"  Who wouldn't want that?  So when we respect them, build them up, make home a safe place, desire them, put an effort into how we look, and finally, romance them (in their own way),  change will happen.  For the better.  It's not always easy to put them so high on our priority list, but I have noticed changes in the Chapman household and I like the idea that we have so much more that we can do.

I enjoyed this series.  I hope you got something out of it too!   Here's to understanding the men in our lives better.  Now, to get them to read the book about understanding women.... :)

Love, Louise

PS Would love to know what sort of activities you and your partners find romantic if you are able to share them!

Nine Years

Today Gary and I are celebrating our nine year anniversary.  Up until this ninth year, I thought marriage was easy and I never really thought about it.  Parenting was hard (I still think it is so tough) and that is where my focus went.  Somewhere in the fall/winter, things became difficult for us.  Maybe it was just me, but I think years of sleep deprivation, putting Gary after the kids and taking care of three young energy suckers, took it's toll.   Frustration grew. The fun was long gone.  I started to see why marriages didn't last.  There was really only one option for me: I told Gary exactly where I was at and said we needed to change what we were doing because doing nothing wasn't working.

What did this change look like? Well, I started figuring out how to be a better wife.  At first, I was so against that idea.  If HE wasn't going to put in more work, why would I?  But, my friends, that is the sort of thinking that makes things a whole lot worse.  So, I started this year putting Gary above the kids and trying to figure out how men think.  Well, I've tried.  It's been a learning process but I would say that through this valley in our marriage, we have climbed above the plateau that we were at in the previous 8 years.  We understand each other so much more and we both want to make this a good marriage.

I have read several books that have helped me to work on our marriage. One is `The Power of a Praying Wife' (really it was just the introduction that did it for me and I only made it halfway through the book so far) and the other is the latest marriage series I've been doing at church, Shaunti Feldhahn's `For Women Only...'.  Other things that have helped are really just making time for each other and changing my mindset (focusing on the positive).

If I could give two pieces of advice in marriage, this would be it:
1.  Put in the effort even if the other person isn't.
2.  Make your husband a priority above the kids.

Okay, so this all sounds sort of gloomy!  I do want to celebrate what today is, so let me share something more positive:  Nine Things I Love About Gary

1.  He's playful.  He can crack a joke at any time (even in prayer).  He will hug me anywhere at any time.

2.  He doesn't complain.  He doesn't complain about situations or about people.  He tends to focus on the positive and tries to see both sides (he will often play devils advocate just because).

3. He is authentic.  The Gary you meet is the Gary who he is at home, at school, on the basketball court.  He doesn't put on act.  

4.  He is thoughtful.  If I ask a question, I expect an answer in about 10 seconds or less.  He likes to think it over and comes back with something that is whole lot more thoughtful than I would've said.

5.  He is so great with kids.  He is the dad that will be playing with the kids wherever we go.  He is a wonderful teacher and coach.  I knew he was great with kids when I met him but to see it in action over the years (even as he gets older and more tired) is heart warming.

6.  He is a hard worker.  He works differently than I do but I have learned that different is okay :) Where I will get something done the minute I hear of it, he will think about it, and think about it, and get it done in time.  There is something so attractive about him waking up each day and heading off to work without a single complaint.  

7.  He knows when to stay quiet.  This sounds sort of mean but sometimes if I'm getting riled up, he will just say `yes' or `okay' instead of  going on the attack. This brings everything back down to normal.  It prevents things from escalating and allows me to calm down and see that I'm being a bit crazy.  He is so calm and collected.

8.  He trusts me. He trusts me with everything.  I never feel like I have to worry about what he thinks in regards to how we spend money, or discipline the kids, or his commitment to our marriage.  Although, he may not trust me to put enough salt into a meal.

9.  He gracefully shows me where I can grow.  There are times when I get, uh, interesting to live with.  I'll suddenly get an idea and WE HAVE TO DO IT RIGHT AWAY!!!    I worry about what other people think.  I get stressed.  He will show me that we have time, it doesn't matter what others think, and that worrying does not make the situation any better. 

I asked Gary what he wanted me to say about our ninth anniversary and he said `It's been the best 9 years of my life.'.  I'll take it!

I'm incredibly thankful for Gary.  He's not perfect, I'm not perfect, our marriage isn't perfect, but well, it's worth working on.  It's pretty great.

Love, Louise

PS If you haven't voted, the button is on the side!  Gary and I could win an awesome trip :)  

The Visual Rolodex

This is the 5th week of the marriage series by Shaunti Feldhahn that I'm posting on.  The first 4 weeks can be found here:  Respect, Insecurity, Need to Provide, and Desiring Him.  This week's chapter made me a little uncomfortable (it does matter if I exercise or not...) but I think there's some good information in there.  It focuses on the `Visual Rolodex' as Shaunti describes it.

First of all, most men are very visual and cannot help it.  They cannot not notice a hot woman.   Now, whether they decide to take a second look or start thinking about something else is up to them.  This is something that men often struggle with all day long and it can be exhausting.  I'll be honest, I would also be the one looking at the attractive woman at Home Depot.   I'll just admire her beauty and I guess there's a bit of comparison going on too.  Men tend to keep a `visual rolodex' of every beautiful woman they've seen and images come up all the time.  I just have moments of `Oh, he's hot!' when I'm watching someone like Shemar Moore on Criminal Minds but otherwise, I never really think of other men.  And that's it for me, a passing thought and it's gone.  Sorry, Shemar!

{For our anniversary 3 years ago we had a photo session.  I never get my hair done or wear this much make up but it was fun!  This may be my favourite picture of Gary. }

I do worry about my own boys and the things that they will see over the years.  Just the other day, Kai was watching Wheel of Fortune with me and a commercial came on for H & M selling bikinis, well, I think that's what they were selling with the model sprawled on the rocks.  His eyes were wide and he asked, `What is this?'. My hope is that our home will be a place where we can talk about these things openly.  I want to acknowledge that yes, bodies are beautiful,  but outward appearance is just a small part of who someone really is.  In regards to protecting our/their minds, we make sure that our computers are in an open area and that the kids are never on a device (computer, tv) without our knowledge.  I think a big thing that kept Gary's mind busy during high school and university was that he played hours of sports each day.  Hopefully our boys continue in their love of sports :)  It's not that thinking about girls is bad, it's just what they are thinking about in regards to those girls that concerns me.

And now to shift to the part where we as women can help our boyfriends and husbands. The men in our lives would like us to put in the effort to look good.  This doesn't mean we need to be 120lbs (sorry, soooo not ever happening unless you take me back to grade seven), but it means that we should put in the effort to be healthy, active, and put together nicely.  It shows that you care about him.  It's recommended that you do not ask him the question `How would you feel if I let myself go?' because it puts him in an awkward situation.  Although, well, let's just say I asked.  Gary did agree with the 70% of men that said they would be emotionally bothered if their wives let themselves go and didn't seem to want to make the effort do to something about it.   When you take care of yourself, you also tend to have more energy for life in general which means you can just do more together.  Just to say it again; it's the effort.  

**I added this paragraph after receiving a comment about how hard this is post partum**
I think that the effort you put in changes with what is happening in your life.  When I had a newborn, I would shave one leg one day, and the other the next day.  I felt like I had no time or energy.  Effort might be taking a shower, or putting on lip gloss, or wearing jeans.  Now that I am sleeping, I feel like I have more energy to invest into how I look and my physical health.  I think more of what the book is talking about is if you have time and energy to sit around eating ice cream and watching crappy tv until midnight every single night, you might have time and energy to do something else.

I completely understand if Gary looks at an attractive woman, but I appreciate that he tries not to look again. According to the book (`For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men'), things that make it harder to resist checking out other women and indulging in those thoughts are; anger, loneliness and tiredness.   Are they working long hours? Feeling like failures? Lacking social support?  Good friends can be so great for accountability.

In conclusion, this week I was a bit surprised about the importance of taking care of ourselves (health and appearance) for our men.  I don't know why I'm surprised because it makes sense, but maybe it's because Gary has never said that it's important.  I am definitely going to work harder in this area as I am a `comfy clothes' kinda girl and I know Gary is definitely a fan of skirts and dresses.  And you know, it goes both ways.  I love it when Gary wears jeans, bright solid t-shirt and has a new hair cut.  When he goes for a jog? Love it.  Goes to work early to work out? Awesome.

Just one more week in this book and I think I've learned a thing or two.  Thanks again to all of you who have given me feedback on it.  Seriously.  If any of YOU have a marriage book you'd recommend, please, let me know.  This is the year of Gary (my resolution this year was to put Gary ahead of the kids) so let the learning continue!

Love, Louise

He's a Cinnabon, Not a Bran Muffin.

Over the past month, I've been sharing what I've been learning in a marriage study I'm doing (it's a book about what men really think by Shanti Feldhahn).  You can find the first three parts here; respect, insecurity, and the need to provide.  This week in our marriage study, we learned about what our husbands think about sex.   I have to keep this PG-13 (my father and inlaws read this but hopefully won't read this one!!) but I do think it is very important to talk about.  I've resisted posting this one because even though I'm totally fine talking about sex in general, I just don't want to talk about it in regards to Gary and I as it's a private and  personal issue.  So, it's a tricky balance.  Here we go.

I've always heard how important it is for there to be enough sex in marriage.  I won't say anything specific about our sex life (you can breathe, sisters), but we've always made sure to try to have `enough' sex.   However,  the important thing about sex for men, is that he wants to feel desired by his wife.  97% said that enough sex wasn't enough, they wanted to feel wanted.

Often what we say/do in response to their desire for sex is different than what they hear/see. For example, saying that you'd like a glass of wine before bed may be taken as `You need to have a glass of wine so that you find me attractive enough' whereas it probably means, `One glass of wine will help me relax and not think about all the millions of ridiculous details (library day, dentist, laundry, birthdays, cleaning, etc) going on in my mind.'.

Another thing to keep in mind is that although it's great to initiate sex, it's probably better to do it in a way that doesn't sound like, `Hey, so, I could do it tonight if you want to'.  It sounds like duty sex.  I am going to get personal for a second here.   I think we are at a difficult stage because my body has grown three children, breastfed them, and still has one attached to me most of the time as she loves to be held.  I often feel like I don't get a break to have my body to myself.  It is getting better as the kids get older but it can definitely be hard for a partner.   The other part about growing three kids and breastfeeding them all is that my body is not something I feel very confident about.  I know that Gary doesn't care, but I do.  It's difficult to be all `Yahoo! Let's be wild!' when I'm thinking about the extra 15 lbs on me and a belly that looks 4 months pregnant permanently.  I think I just need to get used to this new body because I there's no way it's going back to the one I had 10 years ago.  {Side note:  I want my kids to be confident with the way that their bodies look and so I don't complain about it.  I realize that the way my body looks now is something I need to embrace, accept and appreciate.  I think it will just take some time.}.

I was watching `The Big Bang Theory' on Thursday and in it, Penny said a wise choice would be to marry Leonard.  He basically said, `So I'm a bran muffin?  What you should choose?  I want to be a Cinnabon, what you really want!'.  He was talking about it in regards to choosing him to be with, but I think that's what men feel in regards to their partner's desire for them sexually.  They want us to really want them, not just do it because it's the right thing to do.

So, let's let our husbands know that we think they're hot and that we love to have sex with them.  Right?!

Love, Louise

PS Someone please comment or I might be mortified. ASAP. Thanks.

The Need to Provide

I've been sharing a bit on a marriage study that I'm doing at church.  You can see part 1 on Respect and part 2 on Insecurity.  Thank you to those that have let me know about how this has impacted you, I very much appreciate it.  This blog started as a way to document my kids childhood for them and has turned into a way to connect with other people as well.  Win win.

My husband Gary.  The Main Provider.

{Photo courtesy of Andrew Willms}

This week in our marriage study (`For Women Only' by Shaunti Feldhahn), we learned about the constant desire of a man to provide for his family.   I don't feel like this one really hit home for us as something that made me go `Oh yes! So true!' but there were a few good tidbits in there.

First of all, they did a study and asked how often the man thinks about their responsibility to provide for their family and 71% said that it was always or often on their mind.  Gary does not fit into the majority here as he doesn't think or worry about it (he really doesn't worry about anything though, I asked him.).

The few things that I have learned over the years, and were solidified this week were:

1.  Gary does not dread going to work. Ever.  Every year I ask him if he's good to go for another year of teaching and he always says `yes'.  He loves/likes it.  I, on the other hand, got burnt out from teaching full time and don't see myself every doing that again (part time, yes, maybe).  

2.  Gary likes spending time at work and doing the best he can.  For the most part, he loves hanging out with students, teaching them, and coaching them.  I used to get upset at times that he seemed to love going on hiking trips with his classes more than go camping with us.  Or that he liked spending so much time coaching and missing so many dinners and/or bedtimes.  I've realized he wants to do his job well and it gives him great satisfaction, and by doing that, he will have to sacrifice some family time for that.  If he's been working more, `The appropriate response is sympathy, not criticism.' (although balance is needed).

{This picture was from my first classroom back in 2002 I think.  We both started teaching Science 9 at the same school in 2001.}

3. Appreciate the work he does.  Ask about his day.  Say thank you for working so hard.  It doesn't have to be a productivity contest of `Well, I did the laundry, edited a session, vacuumed, made meals, dusted...'.  Ahem, not that I do that.

4. Talk about the lifestyle you both want. Gary and I talk about this a lot. I am very money conscious and take care of most of the finances in our home.  We talk often (at least once a month) about how much we want in savings, what we will use it for, how we can save money, what big purchases will be coming up this year etc. 

There was one VERY surprising thing that came up this week when I talked about this with him.  He thought that if he could make our current household income by himself, that I would still want to work.  NOPE. It's very true that I like to be productive, but I could be busy with waaaaay more fun things than work.  Sports, reading, volunteering, RELAXING.  Louise of 3 years ago would probably want to work and bring money in, but this Louise?  She wants to savour time and energy with her family and find some more time to herself.  I have worked since I was 11 years old (started with babysitting then on to Purdy's Chocolates) and all through university (residence advisor, cafeteria, landscaper), straight to teaching, and then photography and subbing.  Time for a break!!  That being said, Gary doesn't have the option to work more to make more (he already shoots weddings with me as a second job) and I don't want him gone more, so I am so thankful for the work that I do have; babysitting, subbing and photography. Very thankful.

Gary, thank you so much for working all the time to bring home the bacon.   I love bacon!

I hope you had a wonderful weekend.  

Love,

Louise

Make Your Home a Safe Place: Marriage Advice

This is a second in a series of posts on marriage. The first covered the topic of respect. To summarize: choose to respect the man in your life.  He may do things differently and that's okay.  Actually, it's good, could you imagine if there were two of you?!

Today's post: men can be insecure and need to come home to a safe place where they are built up. 

They don't need fake things said, but just focussing on the positive things and encouraging them works wonderfully. This isn't something that I didn't know I just didn't really practice it. I didn't think Gary (my Mr. Confident Pants) was insecure so I asked him. After a few ridiculous answers, he gave me some real things that he does not feel confident about. I've always known to say positive things about my husband in public but I think I really needed the lesson on building him up at home. It's so obvious, but I'm human and hormonal.

Let me give you a few examples of how I have not done a good job of affirming Gary.

 I'm all about using my time wisely. I like to make sure everything that needs to get done is done before I sit down to relax or have fun. That's my style and I know it doesn't mean it's the right way to do things. I can be really annoying to live with. I ask Gary several times a day `What are you doing?' when I'm working in the office and he's elsewhere in the house. Sometimes I am just curious about what he's doing and sometimes, well, I'm implying `Are you using your time wisely?  Is there something else you could be doing?'.  What a way to make him feel crappy (like he can't live up to the 1000's of things I want him to do) and like home is not a safe place (I can't relax because Louise will only be happy if I go, go, go).  No one wants to be watched and evaulated 24/7.

{This was right after the ceremony and one of the happiest moments of my life!}

Or, what about the fact that I lived in a sleep deprived baby fog for years and I just became so bitter. I would be jealous that he would get to go off to work and have `fun' (I know it wasn't really fun but it sure seemed way more exciting) while I was stuck at home feeding, changing,  and disciplining the kids while cleaning the house.  He would come home and I wouldn't want to ask about his day. I didn't want to hear about anything he had done because I was just jealous. By not asking, and not caring, I was basically saying that he was a low priority in my life and he didn't matter.

One of my goals is to make him feel appreciated and supported.

Only 25% of men feel actively appreciated by their family. I asked Gary if he felt appreciated and he said `sometimes'.  I would like to change that to `always'.  It's amazing what happens when you are appreciated. At dinner each night, we rotate between two things. One night we say our highs and lows of the day. The next night, we need to choose someone that we appreciate and say why. Last week, Gary said that he appreciated how clean I keep the house. Do you know what that did for me? I spent the entire week ironing and vacuuming a little more happily.  I even went the `next step' and vacuumed where I don't normally like under the bunk bed. Like, all the way under the bunk bed. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's just how an example of being appreciated made me feel a bit better about doing the day to day. I definitely see the difference in him when I know he's feeling appreciated.

Trying to avoid saying `Why are you...' or `What are you doing?' and instead listen, encourage, and support them. Watch your reponses. You know when you are frustrated and you know you can say one thing that will hurt them? Don't do it. Let them know you believe in them. It's sometimes hard and no fun to be the one to start the nice cycle – putting in the work when you might feel they aren't. If I support and affirm Gary then in turn he is more appreciative and commicative and understanding. It's not all roses around here, but our marriage is definitely getting stronger.

So, ask the man in your life (boyfriend, husband, father, brother) if he feels appreciated at home. Then, ask him what he is insecure about (I told Gary what I was insecure about to get the ball rolling). It can be very eye opening. You can encourage them in these areas and make sure you don't say something that will absolutley crush him.

Hopefully there was one little nugget of encouragement in there for you.  If anything, it should make you feel better about your skills as a partner because I'm not the easiest person to live with.

Have a wonderful weekend.  I don't mean to sound all cheeesy but make sure you let people know what you appreciate about them.

Love, Louise

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`Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.  Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.' Philippians 2:3-4

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Do you remember my New Years resolution? It was to make Gary a greater priority than our kids. More than that,  it was to work on our marriage. It has been going well and I just wanted to share one major thing that I learned this past week.

Change Me: The First Step in Improving Your Marriage

Yes, it's that day. Valentine's Day. My kids are adorable and awesome (and sometimes smelly and  gross) and I love them a whole lot. However, today's post is dedicated to Gary. My goal for this year was to make him a greater priority than the kids. This has done a lot for our marriage and I know that I can do so much more.

The biggest thing that has changed my mindset? Six months ago, we were in a tough spot. I don't think Gary really knew how frustrated I was until I finally told him straight out. I won't tell you that exact conversation but it was not a conversation that I ever thought we would have. I had been thinking `He's so annoying!  He's driving me crazy.  Will he ever change? We can't have a marriage like this anymore.'.  I just kept feeling like, `Well, he's not investing much so I don't want to invest. He doesn't make me feel important so I'm not going to do anything that makes him feel important.'. Yes, I was selfish and tired. At that point, you can either give it all you've got or not. Thankfully I decided that I would start trying more. More than I wanted to. He agreed to try more too (he TEXTS me now, people. This is huge.).

I read the first chapter from Power of a Praying Wife and it recommended that instead of saying and praying `Change him, God!', it's `Change me'.  What?  Yes. I know I'm not perfect. I know I'm a bit...bossy. I'm a bit of a know-it-all in regards to running this household. If I can change my heart which was angry, that totally changes my mindset and outlook and everything will follow. I needed to shift priorities and give more patience, love, time and energy without expecting anything in return.

It is hard having three energy and time suckers. I love them, but they can be hard on a marriage. It's tough when you are just giving, giving, giving.  Thankfully Nya has been sleeping so much better as I really think it's easier to give when you've slept 6-8 hours in a row. Also, as they get older, they get much easier to parent as their demands on me are fewer.

We are moving in the right direction. There is more hand holding, more laughter, and more meaningful conversations with better listening by both of us.  I would encourage you to make sure that your spouse is a priority over your children. A healthy, happy marriage is such a great gift.  To each other and to your kids.

{The first time I met Gary's family was at his niece Kennedy's birthday party 10 years ago.  I'm pretty sure he didn't even tell them who I was or that I was coming.  All I remember was that he made fun of his mom's pleather pants and I was shocked that he would say that to her.  I also realized then that that is how he shows people that he cares about them, he teases them.}

{Celebrating our birthdays before I left for Kenya. Both of our birthdays are in August.}

{Hiking Stein Valley.  So beautiful, so difficult.}

{We got along so well on our trip to SE Asia this summer.  It was fun and exciting and something we would love to do more of with our kids.  When we told Kai that we were saving for Disneyland he asked if we could go to Peru instead :)}

What are we doing to celebrate tonight? Once the kids are in bed, we are getting take out from a local Indian Restaurant .  We will hold hands and watch the Olympics. I will drink some wine. We will have bread pudding for dessert which I guess I should make now. It isn't anything exciting but we will be together, and more importantly, wanting to be together. You're stuck with me forever, Gary!

I hope you have a lovely evening.

Love, Louise

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