Tuesday, May 03, 2011

On Marriage and Kids and Life

We had our third marriage workshop tonight. It was good. We were talking about our emotional intimacy, which in our case, is actually quite good. Vulnerability. Trust. Respect. All that jazz. Anyway, we really had to delve into the families we come from. Our parents personalities, their marriages etc. I can't believe how much it carries over into our own marriage, but, it really does. Thankfully we both come from solid families. Well, sort of. I've realized that my family is now not as `solid'. The anniversary of my mom's death is on Saturday and it will be 5 years that she's been gone. Obviously this is going to have some effect on our marriage, although I'm not entirely sure what it has been and will be. All I know is that my mom was my biggest supporter which means I desperately need validation, encouragement, and public affirmation from Gary. I need to know that he is proud of me. Also, due to the reality of death, I need to make sure that Gary would be fine without me and would have a plan in place in regards to living/child care etc. It might sound silly but I will even say things like `If I die, make sure you cut their toenails!' because he's never done it.
{My dad, sisters and I went out for lunch in memory of my mom this weekend}

We had to describe our parents marriages in 1-3 words. All I could think of was that their marriage is exactly what I want. You might think that I'm romanticizing them or just remembering the good stuff, but really, they started dating when they were 15 and were best friends. They had a fabulous marriage. They respected each other greatly, they held hands daily, they supported each other in everything, they never raised their voices, they travelled together, they were just happy together. My mom thought my dad was pretty funny and she was always laughing and smiling with him. Sure, my dad has his quirks which would drive my mom crazy but she loved him for it. She would secretly get rid of his garage sale finds that he had forgotten about:)
{The other side of the table. Jan, me and Jackie. Jan and Jackie are not just my sisters, but nurses who really helped out with my mom's palliative care at home, where she decided to stay until the end.}

When Gary and I compared our families and the descriptive words I had used for them and their marriage, I couldn't help but cry. I miss my mom and her role in my life. I am forever grateful for the time I did have with her and the relationship that we had. I am thankful the the example of a loving mother and wife that she was for me. This weekend will be ridiculous with her anniversary on Saturday and Mother's Day on Sunday. I'm thankful that I'm busy with a wedding on Saturday at least.

In regards to marriage, I'm thankful that Gary and I are attending these workshops. I think it would be helpful for us to attend counselling or more workshops down the road. There is nothing wrong but when I imagine how good it could really be, it makes me excited. I'm thankful that Gary actually enjoys it too. There is no way I could get him to read a marriage book with me but this causes him to think and reflect on our marriage and all that is involved with it.

In another area, Gary and I had `the talk' last night. About a baby. Nothing new here but I just feel so badly that I need to know that there is a baby for us. It is completely possible that we will never be chosen. Do we decide to try to have a biological child? Do we try to go international? All I know is that I feel like we are where we are supposed to be. It doesn't make it easier, but it feels right. I feel like domestic adoption is so, so, so right in my heart. It's just hard when things are so slow and there is no news. I think I will be okay until the fall but once that hits, and we're over a year of waiting, I think I will be a bit more stressed/panicky. I am a very scheduled and efficient person. I am shocked that I have done so well so far:) Also, next month, Koen will be the same age that Kai was when Koen was born. That gap was so perfect and I just feel like we are so ready. I know that we are not done. Do you know that feeling? I just know that we are meant to have 3 kids. I know I just need to trust God on this, and I do. But. I'm getting a little scared. I'm sure this is normal. I'm sure that one day I will look back at this and smile because I will see God's timing in all of it. A good friend of mine (Ali) mentioned that sometimes it's easier to see God in something when it doesn't go according to our plans. I think it's true. I know He's in it. I need patience, trust, and peace.

So ya, that's where my head is at these days. Life is good but just a little emotional these days:)


  1. Thank you for constantly sharing your heart! I greatly appreciate it and I love hearing your insight about raising kids and marriage with kids.

  2. Even with our adoption where there was no waiting for a referral I had the same fears that we wouldn't get a child for some reason. I think it is just a very natural feeling... Just a thought, USA adoptions are technically international but sometimes you can do semi-open adoptions with them. I'm sure the wait list is long there to, especially for a infant with no special needs, but it might be worth asking your agency about.

  3. Katie-our social worker actually encouraged us to go through Florida as they still have open adoptions and the wait time is a lot less. However, for some reason, I really want it to be domestic. A large part of that is so that the birth parents have the option of seeing their child over the years (and therefore the child has more access to their birth parents if they desire that).

  4. It is such a blessing to come from a strong family, for sure. Will be thinking about you this weekend with two big days in it.
    I feel the same about marriage courses - we have a very strong marriage, but there is never any harm in building it even more through the wisdom of others :)

  5. I will be thinking about you this weekend Louise. Your reflections on marriage, children, and your parents are so beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing.

  6. i do that thing with the toenails, too--the 'if i die, remember to...." thing. i think its my job that makes me feel i might not be around for all of this, not in a morbid way, but in a pragmatic one.
    i worry that he won't tell them about sex in a way that makes it beautiful and healthy. i worry that he would let them watch too much horrible t.v. i worry that they would drown in a mountain of laundry and never know what its like to wear underwear, because its never clean. i worry that he wouldn't tell them about me because it hurt too much to talk about.
    ah, life.
    xoxo, i'll be thinking of you this weekend.