No pictures folks, just thoughts. I need to get it out so here it is. We watched Kai's first year video the other day and in the beginning of it, is me, enduring a contraction at about the 9cm dilation mark. I'm so glad we have it on video and this got me thinking a lot about him coming into the world (my baby is going to be 3 in a week!!!).
Also, since being at
Caden's birth, a lot of feelings have resurfaced for me regarding Kai's birth. I never, ever imagined having a C-section. I packed enough for 1 day in the hospital. I am a very determined/stubborn person and felt that I could handle any challenge (and kind of welcome it in a way). If I set my mind to do something, I do it. I'm strong physically and have done a lot of challenging things (adventure races, mountain climbing, half marathons...). I'm strong mentally in that if I say I'm going to do something, I make myself do it. I like to have control over everything in my life. I know I'm not really the one in control but sometimes I like to think so:)
I made it to 10cm dilated just sucking back on gas and moaning and groaning. I `got' to push for 1.5 hours. I remember saying to the nurse that there was no way I could get that baby out and she said I had to visualize. So I visualized and pushed like never before and I swear they were about to say `There's the head!', but they never did. I endured an internal manual rotation. I got an epidural. I pushed with an epidural for another half an hour. In the end, Kai's 95%ile head and his bad positioning (posterior and coming out ear first I believe) meant that it was unlikely that I could deliver him naturally. At that point, I was thinking that they could do whatever they wanted to me to get that baby out. I had no idea what a C-section was about. I thought they would cut my entire belly from top to bottom and I didn't care. I was done. Done. Done. Little did I know that it's actually a very small incision but boy, it's deep and there is a lot of recovery to be done.
The recovery from labour, pushing and a C-section is insanely exhausting. There was no way I could imagine trying again. Maybe I should've, I don't know. How was I to know how big Koen would be? He was a few ounces smaller and his head was also not in the 95 percentile, so maybe I would've gotten him out. I had to recover from a C-section with a very bad cold/flu, maybe even bronchitis. Our entire family was sick. Again, tough recovery. Anyone who has had a C-section knows that coughing is not an easy feat. I also know though, that the recovery from a natural birth can be just as long and difficult.
I just need to feel content with my decision to have a planned C-section. I need to feel content with Kai's birth and not feel like a failure. I know in my head that I am so blessed to have 2 healthy baby boys and why should I complain that I had a C-section? I guess sometimes I just feel like everyone (I know its really not everyone) has had a natural birth and somehow I sucked and couldn't do it. I know this isn't the case, it's just how I feel sometimes.
I actually feel really fortunate that I experienced as much of labour as I could. I do understand when people talk about contractions, dilating, pushing etc. I hope to just feel content about it and satisfied with my decision to have a planned C-section. I know this feeling of uneasiness and uncertainty will arise
if we have a third because now you can have a VBA2C. I'm pretty sure I would have a C-section again, but, is that just because I'm afraid of failure? It's so crazy how this is something I think about so much but it comes up so often! Talking to mom's at the park it always comes up and I feel like a wimp when I say I had a C-section. No offense to those that have had a C-section, there's nothing wimpy about it.
Anyway, just needed to vent. You never know what's going to get thrown your way in life. I need to be easier on myself and pray for contenment. I am really happy in my life, I just feel like I failed a part of it. I think it really has to do with how I always strive to do so well at things...maybe it's classic oldest child syndrome:) Okay, I'm done.
PS Koen went to be by 9pm the last two nights. This is sooooo awesome.
PPS It was way too muggy today.