Friday, October 22, 2010

Adoption and Grief

I am currently reading `20 Things Adoptive Parents Need To Succeed'. One thing that I've heard over and over (seminar and this book) is the importance of dealing with grief before bringing your child home. Now, I have no idea what kind of grief I will feel when we bring our baby home but here are some things I think I am currently grieving or might be grieving at that time:

1. My mom not meeting her grandchild. I've gone through it twice with my kids already and also with each niece that is born. It sucks but I'm kind of just used to it. I don't really know what my mom would've thought about the idea of us going through the adoption process but I know that she would have supported us 100%. Also, whenever I have a newborn in the home, I dream of having my mom helping me and supporting me, she would've been great.

2. A ridiculous disease prevented me from having another biological child. I mean, I could try, but it would be so hard on my family, fetus and myself. I have to say that although I do desire another biological child (I really do!!), I have no desire to be pregnant because I know my body would go crazy, my thyroid is not stable enough. I am thankful that I do not have the desire to be pregnant (yet incredibly thankful that I have experienced it twice), it makes it easier.

3. A change in our family. We work so well right now. It's easy. My boys get along well and they both have a healthy attachment to us. When any new child is introduced into a home, there are changes and the kids roles get shifted around a bit. I don't know why I'm trusting so much that it will all be `fine'. I mean, even with biological children, you never know what kind of temperament and personality you will get. Even when Koen was born, I grieved in a sense, what Kai and I had.

4. Because I do not know the race/gender/age of our baby it's hard to know how that will come into play. Maybe if the child has a different ethnicity, I could feel that our family would now `stick out' a bit and would grieve just blending in? I have no idea.

5. I believe that the largest grief I will feel will be for our child. When he/she is older and starts to wonder more and more about their birth parents and the whole reason why they have two sets of parents. I'm really hoping that being open and honest from the beginning will make it much easier. I'm really praying that the birth parents that pick us decide to have an open adoption. It's not that I want that for myself, but I want that for our child so that as many questions as possible are answered. Along with that, I would grieve for the birth family and all the feelings of loss that they would have to go through for the rest of their lives.

In adoption news, there is no news. Just waiting. No one has looked at our portfolio since being active. Just waiting and wishing I could know a date, that's the hardest part for me. September 2011? May 2012? Two weeks? It seems like everyone is announcing spring pregnancies, I wish I could announce a due date too.

1 comment:

  1. There are a lot of aspects you brought up that I wouldn't have thought of. Thank you for sharing. It is exciting to follow your process!