Monday, September 01, 2008


(He's pretty pumped about this battery powered train)

I feel that because I'm exhausted, everyone else must be too. Not sure why I've been exhausted these past two days but wow....I'm tired! Tomorrow we have a half day of school and then I'll teach my regular classes on Thursday. My schedule is to teach every other day which is perfect. I just spent an hour at my dad's house going through all my school stuff from kindergarten to university and I had to recycle a whole lot. I'm not sure why I wanted to keep a lot of tests/papers/certificates etc. but maybe one day Kai will want to see it? Probably not. It's just sad to see all that hard work thrown into the recycling bin.

Yesterday afternoon, we went to White Rock beach for fish and chips. Why don't we do that more often? It was perfect. One of the best afternoons all summer. Kai ordered for us by saying `Hi Lady, I have fish and chips please?'. She thought he was pretty cute:) We got to see the train and the conductor waved at us, we got to eat YUMMY fish and chips, we saw two jellyfish and a dead dogfish. Kai was pretty pumped to see all of these things and to be walking on seaweed.

(He said he was too scared to touch the jellyfish)

(`Cheers' with our fries)

Kai is funny. He asks a lot of questions like `What's happening mommy?' `Are you happy mommy?' and the other day he asked me to do something and I said `Ask your father'. He said, `Who's fawder?'. I guess we always call Gary daddy.

(Kai thought this looked a lot like Jaguar mountain, if you watch Diego, you know what he means)

I have really enjoyed motherhood (especially toddlerhood), although, the adjustment was way bigger than I ever anticipated. I have to say that I've always felt like a good mom. I'm not trying to brag, I just haven't doubted my ability to be a good parent. I would say that I am maybe just an average wife:) I would like to be a better wife and I know it comes mostly from the words I say. If you ask my family, I can be a little critical with those I love the most. I think this somewhat stems from being the oldest of a lot of kids and striving for perfection and attention and I don't know what else...maybe a desire for control and the belief that I can do it all on my own. I think marriage takes a lot of work and sometimes its easier to sit back on the recliner and relax. I think I've been surprised by Gary's sensitivity because he has a very laid back attitude where he appears to be unconcerned about what other people say BUT he is really affected by what I say and I need to watch it. As time goes by, he is becoming more and more sensitive it seems. I think getting back to work and not being together 24/7 will be healthy:) Not sure why I'm talking about this stuff but that's what I was thinking about today.


  1. what a great last day of summer! (Hmm, I won't see you until next Monday!)

  2. I thought this too;
    "I have to say that I've always felt like a good mom. I'm not trying to brag, I just haven't doubted my ability to be a good parent. "

    until I had Matthew.
    Not to scare you! But maybe just mention it in case it's your experience too.
    Somewhat, that good mom feeling was because I had just one, and I am not good at multi tasking so a focused task (one kid) was well suited for my personality. Also, it was because Ayden's personality fit mine well. Also, I had NO expectations for Ayden because I had had no previous children and didn't expect to enjoy something thrust upon me, but by Matthew I enjoyed parenting and expected to continue to do so.
    Matthew tends to get wimpy and cry a lot if overwhelmed, whereas Ayden gets mad. I have found I deal with mad kids in a very calm and even tempered manner, and wimpy kids by getting extremely frustrated and wrapped up in their sadness (guilt, guilt). So that's just a personality mismatch. That can happen with biological kids, too.
    I also got into a negative feedback loop with my 'inside thoughts' that got me further and further away from enjoying my kids, and believing I was a good parent. I still battle this, although it's a lot better.

    Since Riley was born that guilty voice has been noisy again wrt Matthew, because I never had that nuzzly, cuddly, 100% infatuated period of time with Matthew, and I had it with Ayden and I'm in it with Riley.
    It wasn't until Matthew came that I understood a small slice of 'how someone could' abuse a kid. I never got it before I experienced a level of frustration and self criticism of epic proportions. If I had fewer coping skills, less self esteem, or had been abused myself as a child, it could have been possible for me to do it too. Anyways, just some thoughts. I really really hope this doesn't freak you out! Just make you feel less alone if two happens to be frustrating for you too!

  3. Thanks for your thoughts're right, one kid is easy! Who knows what I will be like. I know I will yell but I hope I know and maintain my limits! My mom yelled at me when I drove her crazy and i think she was the greatest mom ever. I think that she never belittled me when yelling, she just told me to stop complaining/whining etc in a very loud and exasperated voice:)