Wednesday, May 19, 2010

It Is Well

It seems like everyone is slowly announcing pregnancies again. You know, people who have kids my age and are either trying or are pregnant. I was worried about how I would feel about this. Part of me is like, `Let's just try to have a biological child!'. While paying all this money, filling out all these forms, wondering if anyone will choose our family because we have two of our own kids already, this comes to mind. But then, I know that it would be really hard on my body and that I would be passing on my mass amounts of thyroid hormones to my little fetus. I would be risking a premature birth or even a miscarriage. I would need to see specialists. I would be constantly monitoring my thyroid hormones. My heart rate would be much higher. I would risk having it get even worse after the baby was born. I know that adoption is right for us (and I am very excited about it!), I just feel a little bit jealous of those who are pregnant. Is that okay? I think that if we didn't have any kids yet, we would try and just leave all the risks up to God. I think.

I have to say that I have never heard God before. You know, like in words. I've felt peace in my life and I know that He is with me. However, throughout this adoption journey, I often start questioning things in my mind like `What if the baby doesn't love me? What if no one chooses us? What if our biological boys get super jealous? What if the mother decides to parent the child she has given us?' etc AND THEN I hear God saying `Trust me'. And I do. I guess I shouldn't say I hear him out loud. I hear him in my head, like as if I'm talking to myself but it's not me. Does that make sense? I see the words in my head too. Trust me. I totally do trust Him. Me, the control freak. I'm really letting go. I do have to say that the hardest thing right now is not knowing the timeline. It could be this fall, it could be the fall of 2011. I guess it could even be never.

Oh baby, we can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to just hold you until you fall asleep on me. I can't wait to put you in the bjorn and walk to the park with your big brothers. They are really great boys, you will have so much fun with them! I don't know if you're even in your birth momma's belly yet, but we are praying for you and hoping that you are well!


12 comments:

  1. I don't think it's wrong to be jealous. I get jealous and I'm not even married yet! I just really look forward to the time when I can have kids. I think you're just anxious and excited - and that's great! I like it when I hear God. Doesn't happen often (I don't think I'm a very good listener) but I love it when it does :)

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  2. i think the jealousy is fine (and TOTALLY normal) and your worries/concerns are totally legit...all women wanting kids have worries/concerns, they just look different coming from someone carrying a baby and someone trying to adopt. that's my opinion. and because you've birthed your two boys, and now are adopting, it's a whole new process. remember some of the thoughts you had when trying to get pregnant with Kai and through your pregnancy with him :)
    i believe it'll work out. even if the boys have a hard time adjusting, they WILL adjust, just like Kai did when Koen arrived.
    that said, i do NOT want to minimize your concerns...they are real and shouldn't be ignored!
    thanks for sharing your thoughts :)

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  3. xoxoxoxxo
    I am praying for your bambino, too! I'm so glad you are finding so much peace. And you are doing such a GOOD THING, offering a home and family and place in this world to a child who needs one.


    You're the bomb.

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  4. I must say...I, too, have thought of your future child, and my future niece/nephew...I wonder how I will react to the new little one - I'm quite certain I will love him/her, but I won't have 9 months of seeing you get nice 'n big, or even have the ability to prep some muffins to bring to you "post-partum"!
    Anyway...I look forward to the day of getting the phone call from you, telling me you guys are expecting a new wee little one into the Chapman family!

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  5. Those thoughts sound totally normal and healthy! You, Gary, and the boys will give your baby such a great family to grow up in.

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  6. I definitely understand the jealousy and agree that it's perfectly normal. Though my inability to have kids at the moment is for different reasons, I can really appreciate how difficult it is to have friends and family pregnant and oogling over their babies when I also long for one someday. . . praying for you all!

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  7. I'm going to ask the same question as Ali.
    Who is pregnant? :) !

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  8. Ali and Maria-aren't you?! :)

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  9. I am going through a process right now of really having to trust God and there is great peace when I give in and remind myself that His will, will be what I need. I'm going through a new experience with the twins and you with the adoption process. It will be great to look back on us a year or two from now and see that everything worked out for the good. I am excited to see who joins your family!

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  10. Thanks for sharing your heart, Louise. When we were going through our infertility stuff, the announcement of a pregnancy would often send me into tears (even happened at work a couple times). Your thoughts make sense and are totally understandable...Your desire to honor God and care for your family also shine through your words. Bless you!!!!

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  11. It's so okay to feel the way you do. And totally normal. I can relate to so much of it so know you are not alone in it (especially the hardest part being not knowing the timeline. tell me about it!!) I can go through all the "what if's," too but thankfully we have God telling us to trust him. If it weren't for my hope in Him I would go totally mad. Knowing that he is at work, working on the things I have no control over, is what stabilizes me. I'm no longer prayer that all goes the way I think they should go but that I would be prepared for that which is being prepared for me - whatever joys and challenges it entails. So we trust and remain joyful in hope and expect the hand of God to move in sometimes subtle sometimes mighty ways. praying with you and for you, Louise and your future baby! love you.

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