Monday, January 06, 2014

Love Languages of Children

I recently read The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman. I had gone through The Five Love Languages book for adults before and found that helpful for our marriage. I would recommend this book to you if you have children and especially over the age of four.

The Five Love Language of Children

There is usually one way that someone will feel loved most:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Quality Time
4. Gifts
5. Physical Touch

This was insightful early on in our marriage because we were giving love the way we like to get it so each of us wasn't really having our love tank filled. Therefore, it was so good to read this book because it reminded me to fill all of these areas in our kids lives and to make sure we recognize how they feel most loved. It is generally best if your kid is over the age of four to identify their main love language.

The best way to find out their love language if you don't know is to ask them "How do you know mommy loves you?".

What have we found?

Gary: Acts of Service. He loves that I keep the house clean, laundry done, fridge and cupboards full, household activities organized, his shirts ironed, meals made, and phone calls made for him. Another strong one for him is physical touch.

Louise: Words of Affirmation.  Tell me what a great mom/wife/woman I am and I'm good to go! Gary just has to say "Thank you for ironing my shirts, I appreciate the way you always do it" and I feel like a million bucks.

Kai: Quality Time. He loves if we ride bikes, play board games or pass the football around. I would say that gifts is a runner up for him. With his birthday money he bought his siblings gifts because he knows how good it feels.

Koen: Physical Touch. Wrestling, cuddles, hugs, high fives are all well received. He loves rough and gentle play. He wants me to find him a good wife and when I asked him what that meant, he told me she has to be a good cuddler :)

Nya: She is way too young to know but at this point I would say Physical Touch.

This is a reminder to make sure all of the love languages are filled in their lives. It was beneficial for me to be encouraged to spend quality time with each kid and to make sure they get enough physical touch from us.

There is a lot of good information in the book about heading into the teenage years and also the issues of discipline and anger. It is recommended not to discipline in their love language as that can hurt them most. For example, using any physical means to discipline Koen would make him feel unloved. For Kai, ignoring him or using harsh words would be so hurtful. If you are looking for some discipline ideas (which really boils down to connection) look here. The Love Languages of Children also has tips on dealing with angry kids and reminds us that they watch how we deal with anger.

Overall, I would really recommend this book. Do you know your love language?


Do you know the love languages of your children? Understanding that will help with connection and discipline! It's easy and interesting.


  1. My love language is receiving gifts and Alf's is acts of service. Ezra's is definitely physical touch and Taeya's...honestly, I need to read the book. It might be words of affirmation but I'm not totally sure. I have one more book to read and then I'm picking this one up :)

  2. Love languages are so interesting! I've had a similar post going around in my mind for a couple weeks now. I'm with Kai - quality time and words of affirmation as a close second.

  3. My love language has always been receiving gifts. At first I felt kind of materialistic about this... but then I read that book, and now I realize that the gift is only the way that love is displayed or represented... not the actual "gift" that matters. Heck, that explains why no matter how small or pidly the gift is, I still get so excited about it!

    Dan is physical touch, Silas is Quality time, no doubt there, and Emmy... we will have to see as she gets older...

  4. So many great pictures in this post. I love the one with Koen and Nya and the ones of you and Gary with Nya. Oh they're all great. I will have to pick up this book. I think A's love language is physical touch (go figure) and mine is words of affirmation. I'm with you. I just need A to acknowledge all the things I do to keep our household running smoothly. I'm pretty sure Michella's love language is quality time. So helpful to recognize this in our kids.

  5. This is such a great post - thank you Louise . At a time when I know I'm resolving to be better at showing those I love just how much I car it's a good reminder that it should be on their terms. Definitely picking this book up!

  6. Edwin and I actually just did the love language "test"! I'd done it before and was telling him about it and he was quite fascinated with it. I didn't know there was a book about them for children - very interesting!!! The love languages themselves are so easy to forget about day to day...this is a good reminder :)

    1. Shannon-what is your love language? Totally curious! I feel like you are all if them :)

  7. I always forgot to come back to posts that I've commented on to see if you commented back! is there a setting where I can change that so I get a notification or something?! It's the same with my blog...I usually comment back to people but who knows if they see it! :(

    My top two love languages were quality time and then gifts. I felt very conflicted between the answers in the questions for most of them though!! It's a hard test!!

  8. My love language is acts of service. NOTHING makes me feel more loved and appreciated than someone taking out the garbage, making me food, or putting my kids to bed. Brent's is gifts; he's always a bit baffled at how happy I am when he takes out the recycling (and how mad I am when he doesn't)