Monday, August 09, 2010

Mass of Emotions

We had our last social worker visit this morning. Wow. All that's left to do is look over, edit and sign off on what she wrote up about us, hand in our `Dear Birth Parent' letters and our picture portfolio (not done the picture portfolio yet as I was awaiting specifications), and pay our active fee (I hate talking about money and adoption in the same post).

A few days ago, it hit me. A minor freak out. I want a baby so badly. I'm surrounded by babies and pregnant bellies. My baby is a full out little boy now. I am scared that it will take so long. Like, pretty freaked out. I won't say the exact stats but they pretty much have more adoptive parents waiting than ever and very, very few possible birth moms. Our social worker kept asking, `Are you sure you want to do local?' because there are other options which could be faster.

The reason I feel like a bit stressed about the time it might take (and I hope this doesn't sound ridiculous) is that I love having our kids within about 2-3 years of each other. I don't want to feel `in limbo' for years and years. We have a closet full of baby stuff ready to go!
Maybe I just need to babysit a really colicky baby and have a sleepless night and THEN I won't feel so impatient. I even asked Gary about revisiting the idea of trying to having a biological child.

This is how I talk in my head: `God, I trust you. I trust your timing. But um, I would really like to bring our baby home sometime before 2012. So, can that be your timing? Now that I've asked that, are you going to make me wait 3 years to teach me patience? Sorry for thinking that! Oh I just want our baby to come home. I'm so ready. Okay, I'll trust you. But ya, by the end of next year please?!'.

I do feel some guilt about taking a spot on the active list amongst adoptive parents who don't have any kids and have been waiting so long already (there is no `wait list', it's the birth parent that chooses you).

So ya, a lot we (mostly me!!) have been thinking about. If we get everything done, we will be active next week. Wowsers. I guess we need to start thinking baby names, just in case? Although, maybe the birth parents will have named him or her already. Maybe it will be a 5 month old? We are open to any race/ethnic background so we would like to choose a name based on the ethnicity which we will have to wait and see. I keep picturing a Japanese baby so we call him (yes, we refer to the baby as a him) Hikaru:)

So that's where I'm at. Hopefully this is normal. Gary and I are going to set a timeline in place of what we will do if nothing has happened in one year and then again in two years. It could involve going through the US, going through the ministry, trying for a biological child, or, staying as is! I can't wait to see where we are at in one or two years from now.

Love you baby. Wherever you are. I cannot wait to meet you and hold you forever and ever.


  1. wow - what an emotional journey! There will be a day you can look back on all of this, knowing it's all happened in perfect timing and perfect ways, but i can imagine the waiting is TOUGH!

  2. I can see how this process would be difficult. It seems you are an action oriented person, much like myself, and it would be very hard to wait through a process that is entirely out of your hands. The good news is that God does have a plan that is perfect for you and when you look back years from now you will be able to see how everything worked out in such a perfect way. I know that doesn't help for now though.
    Your heart seems so full and ready for another child that I pray you will be holding him/her soon!!!

  3. that is EXACTLY how I talk to God. I try to "guide" Him. As if He needs my help. Praying for you!

  4. Getting on the active list is HUGE! Let the uncertainty begin! No wonder you're freaking out. I would too (and do, often)! You're thoughts and feelings are totally normal and I'm glad you can process them so honestly here. I am praying for you!

  5. i so love how you share your heart have completely endeared yourself to me. The prayer example you shared was totally how i talked to God during our infertility years...and still do sometimes...he gets it...He knows your heart!
    I remember after I had Halle, I was so thankful I hadn't gotten pregnant 3 years earlier. As SUCKY as those 3 years were, I couldn't imagine my life without this very specific child God wanted to give me. Blessings as you wait my friend :)

  6. Thanks for sharing so candidly where you are at. Blessings on your journey; it is a challenging one emotionally and spiritually. Praying for your family and for Hikaru and his biological parents.

  7. I'm sorry I haven't written you back yet--we were gone and then I had no internet access--YES, I went thru the same thing, real bad! We almost didn't send the completed application to Thailand because I had a baby craving so bad, and we'd been told 2 1/2 years wait minimum (in the end, it was 1 day til match, 7 months til travel--you just NEVER KNOW!)
    God knows. I sure wish he'd share some of that knowing, though, eh?! Jeepers.
    I'll write more via email.