Tuesday, December 02, 2014

Our Marriage In 2014

About one year ago, I made the resolution to make Gary a greater priority than my children.  We were through the roughest part of parenting (sleep deprivation!) and it was time to seriously invest in our marriage.  I was not happy.  I felt exhausted, annoyed, and unappreciated.

The very first step was realizing that I had to change MY mindset. What?  I wasn't supposed to change him? This was key.

Then, I read a great book by Shaunti Feldhahn called `For Women Only'.  You can see all the posts about it here.  They're good. I promise.  I wish I could recommend just one but I can't. 

Where are we now?  Much better.  Seriously.  

What are the biggest changes?  

1.  We are more respectful to each other.  In front of the kids and when they are not around.  It's not hard either because I just don't feel as annoyed. More patience. More hugs.  Less `Why are you...?'.   I know I still have a little ways to go on this. 

2.  We spend more evenings together.  This has been wonderful.  Even though Gary is coaching basketball now, we have at least 3-4 evenings a week where we can cuddle on the couch and watch a show together (right now it's `Suits').  If you are on a couch, near a fireplace, with a beer or snack in hand, sharing a blanket, watching a show you love...this generally leads to more intimacy than if you are working in separate rooms.  He knows that I want to be with him.  And let me be blunt: Sex is important.  Go to bed at the same time. Schedule it if you have to.  Just do it. And if you don't want to, you really need to look into why and figure out a solution.

3.  We've each lost 15-20 lbs.  This was never in the plans but it has really helped me feel more attractive.  I put more effort into how I look and I know what he likes (skirts, in case you were wondering).  I find him more attractive too because he is taking better care of himself.  I'm not saying weight loss = better marriage.  What I am saying is that putting an effort into our health/fitness/how we look = better marriage for us.

I know this will continue to be a work in progress, especially as we start on a new journey of foster parenting in 2015.  I'm thankful for where we are and I'd encourage anyone who is less than happy with their marriage to do something about it.  Read my marriage posts, there's some great information in each one.  And please, if you have any advice or encouragement to share, leave a comment.  

I hope you have a wonderful rest of the week. Spend some time cuddling on the couch  ;)


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  1. Anonymous8:29 AM

    This is AWESOME Louise :) I am excited to have more free evenings to be in the same room as Alf. AND losing 20lbs was a HUGE self-confidence booster in our marriage! Plus, I dress far more fashionable now (thanks to needing to for work) and I know that's appreciated too. except I have yet to really dive into the world of skirts and dresses...he would love that.
    Well done, both of you! Kelly

  2. Yup good job Louise! I have been quietly watching your journey and for sure all the changes you mentioned have been noticed to your quiet observer. So proud of you! I know that God will honor your desire to have a strong marriage! ��

  3. You're amazing!!! So good to hear!!! I love bluntness ;) thanks for sharing!

  4. This is really great Louise. I'm happy for you guys. Since we saw you this summer, A and I started reading a book together called (cheesy title, I know!), Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson and it has been so, so helpful for us. Seems we really needed to work on some things! The book is about emotional connection and attachment - being accessible, responsive and engaged with your partner. She says many problems and arguments come out of a fear of a lack of connection and secure attachment, not that unlike a parent-child relationship (although much more complex and intimate of course). It has got us seeing and talking about things we weren't aware of before and we are seeing some real breakthrough in our relationship. We have been able to identify and discuss our needs and are just generally more tuned into each other. So nice to hear you discussing your marriage here. I believe it's something we need to be talking about and supporting each other in. Marriage is hard and can be so, so life-giving, rewarding and vibrant when we pay attention and work on it. Good for you guys!