Tuesday, May 13, 2014

He's a Cinnabon, Not a Bran Muffin.

Over the past month, I've been sharing what I've been learning in a marriage study I'm doing (it's a book about what men really think by Shanti Feldhahn).  You can find the first three parts here; respect, insecurity, and the need to provide.  This week in our marriage study, we learned about what our husbands think about sex.   I have to keep this PG-13 (my father and inlaws read this but hopefully won't read this one!!) but I do think it is very important to talk about.  I've resisted posting this one because even though I'm totally fine talking about sex in general, I just don't want to talk about it in regards to Gary and I as it's a private and  personal issue.  So, it's a tricky balance.  Here we go.

I've always heard how important it is for there to be enough sex in marriage.  I won't say anything specific about our sex life (you can breathe, sisters), but we've always made sure to try to have `enough' sex.   However,  the important thing about sex for men, is that he wants to feel desired by his wife.  97% said that enough sex wasn't enough, they wanted to feel wanted.

Often what we say/do in response to their desire for sex is different than what they hear/see. For example, saying that you'd like a glass of wine before bed may be taken as `You need to have a glass of wine so that you find me attractive enough' whereas it probably means, `One glass of wine will help me relax and not think about all the millions of ridiculous details (library day, dentist, laundry, birthdays, cleaning, etc) going on in my mind.'.

Another thing to keep in mind is that although it's great to initiate sex, it's probably better to do it in a way that doesn't sound like, `Hey, so, I could do it tonight if you want to'.  It sounds like duty sex.  I am going to get personal for a second here.   I think we are at a difficult stage because my body has grown three children, breastfed them, and still has one attached to me most of the time as she loves to be held.  I often feel like I don't get a break to have my body to myself.  It is getting better as the kids get older but it can definitely be hard for a partner.   The other part about growing three kids and breastfeeding them all is that my body is not something I feel very confident about.  I know that Gary doesn't care, but I do.  It's difficult to be all `Yahoo! Let's be wild!' when I'm thinking about the extra 15 lbs on me and a belly that looks 4 months pregnant permanently.  I think I just need to get used to this new body because I there's no way it's going back to the one I had 10 years ago.  {Side note:  I want my kids to be confident with the way that their bodies look and so I don't complain about it.  I realize that the way my body looks now is something I need to embrace, accept and appreciate.  I think it will just take some time.}.

I was watching `The Big Bang Theory' on Thursday and in it, Penny said a wise choice would be to marry Leonard.  He basically said, `So I'm a bran muffin?  What you should choose?  I want to be a Cinnabon, what you really want!'.  He was talking about it in regards to choosing him to be with, but I think that's what men feel in regards to their partner's desire for them sexually.  They want us to really want them, not just do it because it's the right thing to do.

So, let's let our husbands know that we think they're hot and that we love to have sex with them.  Right?!

Love, Louise

PS Someone please comment or I might be mortified. ASAP. Thanks.


12 comments:

  1. Definitely good to remember that sex is not a "duty". We and our husbands should want it and enjoy it. It means both putting the effort to make one another feel desired. Not always easy, but extremely necessary!

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  2. Anonymous11:12 AM

    Great post Louise! I can certainly identify :)

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  3. Great post. Sometimes we all need a wake up call!!! Annnnd I feel ya on the post-baby body. Totally.

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  4. Not too much info here - great post and reminder.

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  5. I have really enjoyed reading these marriage posts and love your transparency. It even inspired me.....Sean and I went out on our second date in 3 years! It was lovely.
    By the way.....you look GORGEOUS in the last photo of you! Seriously!

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  6. Aaaah, I totally get the "I've birthed and breastfed three babies, and they all hang off me all day long" (and have one kicking me on the inside too) mentality. It's hard to not want evenings to be all about personal space. :)

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  7. Oh my gosh. this post totally made me have a light bulb moment! What you said about craving time in the day to want your body to yourself made so much sense to me I almost jumped out of my computer chair. I am not a touchy feely person, and by the end of the day after the kids (especially Emily at her age) have glommed onto me for 14 hours straight the last thing I want is to be touched!!! THANK YOU FOR THIS LIGHT BULB LOUISE!!! (Talk with husband happening tonight!)

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  8. i think sometimes we think that WE'RE the sensitive ones so WE need to feel desired and appreciated and sexy, and that our husband needs to do/say the 'right thing' to help us to feel this way...I don't often think about him needing that too! I'm THAT selfish ;) haha I need to read your other posts!!

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  9. Since you're getting personal (good topic and discussion btw), I'll chime in. At this busy life stage I'm not as often "in the mood" but 99% of the time I'm saying "that was great, we should do it more often" after the fact. I think there are some adjustments when you have little kids, learning to dail down the romance expectations and dail up the understanding/humour/communication helps a lot. At least it has for us in the quest to find our version of "enough" (love that way of expressing it - so personal and different for everyone). As usual, you've got guts to go there. Love that!

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  10. Well said Lou! And you totally kept it pg-13 :)
    Btw....that photo of you and Gary, is absolutely beautiful.

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  11. doesn't seem like you really needed to beg for comments here ;)

    well said.

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  12. I don't have kids, but after I've been with my niece & nephew for an afternoon I can totally understand the feelings of not wanting to be touched for awhile.

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