I hate that I feel like this, fostering one child with three of our own kids, is all I can bear right now; I thought I was stronger, tougher, and more resilient. Gary and I have reached our limit and recognize it. We aren't in over our heads, but had we taken in a sibling set, I think we would have been. I feel like there are so many other moms that do so much more, why can't I? In the daytime, I can do anything; tantrums, infections, and a billion hours of driving to appointments--I'm on it.
{Image from ChristArt}
At night, when our Little One is crying, I lose it. What does that look like on my end? A string of f-bombs (to Gary, who detests swearing, not the child): "Why won't _____ effing sleep? I can't effing do this anymore! Why is _____ screaming? " My heart rate escalates and my body goes into a stress mode. I think I was just so worn out with the long, sleepless nights and feeling absolutely hopeless about it. Usually I feel some hope in a situation, but in this one, I didn't. Maybe a glimmer, but that's it. I don't think it helped that there was a major lack of support from those that could have been helping us by at least pointing us in the direction of some assistance rather than being too busy to seemingly care or thinking it was okay. To have no time to recover or rejuvenate after a long day is unbelievably difficult.
The vision of the oxen with the double yoke comes to my mind. In Matthew 11:29-30 it talks about Jesus coming alongside to help carry the burden while sharing the yoke. I wasn't feeling it; I wasn't feeling that He was there helping. I asked for prayer because it was just so hard. I've been through hard things in my life before but this just seemed so heavy; I couldn't see the steps to get past it and I felt like there was no one who could help us. There was no rest. I woke up each morning thinking, "Phew, 12 more hours until I have to do that again." Two weeks ago, some friends prayed specifically for this situation, which led to speaking to a professional (purposely vague.) Yoke shared.
When we received validation from this professional that the specific behaviour (I won't go into the details of our evenings but they were traumatic for all of us) was in fact not "normal" for most foster children, I felt relieved--it wasn't anything that we were or were not doing. When we were given the go ahead for melatonin, I felt that glimmer of hope grow. This was the last possible thing that could help. Finally, we are the point where slow-release melatonin is helping. We can get our Little One to sleep in about 30 minutes and then this child stays asleep, mostly, throughout the night. I still throw out an f-bomb around 10 pm. Sorry. Not sorry. This isn't a long-term solution, but for now, it is our sanity saver.
We don't know how long our Little One will be with us but it will not be forever (likely.) We love this child and believe that this is the home where LO is meant to be for now--this child fits in so well. We love this child and Little One loves us. Our bodies are starting to recover and we're hoping that we are now in a new normal. I know that there will be illnesses and other challenges on the horizon, but hopefully with some rest, we will feel stronger when it happens.
I hope that for all of you, that when you are burdened, you don't stop looking for help. I hope that you will always feel that glimmer of hope and a way to find rest.
Love,
Louise
Wow. So awful. And normal to feel the way you're feeling given the situation. And it must feel so good to get some sleep after the months of horrible nights. Yay for Melatonin. - Ali
ReplyDeleteNot fun! At least when my kids were babies I could just breastfeed them to sleep!! But this is not a baby and there's no bfing going on :)
DeleteI feel for you. When my daughter was a baby she inconsolable most every night for hours! I wanted to run away every night for a good few months. We have used melatonin here too and it was a game changer. During that time I learned a lot about God's grace and letting myself be in need of Jesus.
ReplyDeleteSo, so hard. I get the desire to run away. I am planning on going away for 24 hours when Gary can watch the kids because I just need quiet and time to regroup!
DeleteLouise, as usual your honesty is so amazing. I feel the "other people can do this, why can't I" because I see you and know that I don't have the toughness, resilience, to even manage what you are. You inspire me continually!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Terri...and you do have the toughness :)
DeleteI think a lot of us look at other parents and think they have it all together or that they're doing so much more than us but in reality parenting is hard and we all are trying our best to take care of our babies well. So so glad you've found hope in it as I think you're absolutely rocking this thing! That little one is so very blessed!
ReplyDeleteI remember even when I was pregnant thinking "how did so many other women do this and not complain?!" as I found it difficult. It's hard when we're silent, I really value openness and vulnerability--then we know we're not alone.
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