Wednesday, April 15, 2015

My C-section Journey

I recently read this post about C-section Mamas that was circulating around on facebook.   It made me really stop and think about where I am now in processing how my three children entered the world.

My first C-section was an emergency one almost 9 years ago.  I never imagined needing one.  My mom never had one. My sister didn't have one.  We had a birth plan, we attended a birthing class, and we even had a birth music playlist playing in the room!  If I could run half marathons and summit Mt. Kilimanjaro, surely I could push out a baby, right?

After getting to 10 cm dilated and pushing for an hour and a half, it appeared that my big boy would not be able to make it out.  His positioning was off and his head was huge.  The doctor tried to manually turn him inside me (yes, she stuck her arm up my vagina to rotate him into my uterus) and that did not work either.

{7 cm dilated and thinking that baby would be born in the next 3 hours or so...}

They gave me an epidural and told me to rest.  From 1 am until 6 am (from what I remember), I laid there at 10 cm dilated, trying to `rest' so that I could push again.  I tried pushing again, now completely exhausted with 2 nights of no sleep, and it was not to be.  At this point, a C-section was recommended and I fully agreed.  I would do anything to have this labour over with.  


{Trying not to cry}

One of the nurse's jobs in the operating room was to push the baby back up the birth canal, that's how wedged in he was.  He was born 9 lbs 11 oz with a head in the 95th percentile for size.  I was so relieved he was born that I didn't care that I had just had major abdominal surgery.


In the weeks, months, and years to come I dealt with feelings of failure and disappointment.  How could all these other moms push out their babies and I couldn't?  What could I have done differently? Would a doula have helped me? What if I had tried a different position? Why could my little sister deliver her baby with just one grunt?  Was something wrong with my body?  Did I not try hard enough?  If I tried to express this, people would say `Just be thankful you can have babies!' or  `Well, at least your baby is here safely!'.  I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW.

Just because the end result is wonderful doesn't mean you can't grieve the journey.  


In the years that followed, I had two planned C-sections.  Based on the sizes that they measured at 37 weeks, I was too fearful to go through that process again.  I had hoped for a VBAC with my daughter, but in the end, with the information we had (body and head size), we decided to go the C-section route.  She ended up being pretty small (see above) but her head was still quite large.


C-sections are painful.  They are often unexpected.  I think many people's birth stories include things that they wish were different.  My advice would be to listen.  If you've been there yourself, you can say, `You're right, it sucks'.  If you haven't experienced one, you can say, `I've heard they're tough'.   So often we throw out the silver lining (I'm guilty of this too!) but what people need is the validation that it's hard.


I think I am now over the disappointment of not delivering my children naturally.  I do feel guilty when I hear that respiratory issues are linked to C-sections because my two youngest really struggle in this area.   I'm thankful that surgery was an option as I can't imagine what would have happened otherwise.  I'm thankful that I can be empathetic to those that have gone through it.  I'm thankful that I have dealt with most of the disappointment.  Most of all, yes, I'm thankful for the three beautiful children that we brought home.


Love,
Louise

13 comments:

  1. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with an unplanned, and slightly frightening, c-section ...plus the stress and fatigue of an ardous labour with your Kai. :( I am one of those moms who have incredibly precipitious labours: they are quick and frightening and painful and I was often fighting the out-of-control feeling. You're right: I think most people have something they wish they could've changed in their labour stories. (mine is my tendancy to hyperventilate! lol) And I think that if it is not labour, it's some other parenting event that is out of their control that gives us guilt or regret. (mine would be wondering if bottle feeding caused my boys to have weak teeth. silly stuff.) We need to be more kind to ourselves! :)
    Thanks for sharing your story. BTW> you look just beautiful as you prepared for your babies to arrive! :)
    Lori-Anne

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  2. Anonymous9:19 AM

    Having assisted in hundreds of C-Sections (I'm an operating room nurse) and having had 2 C-Sections myself, I look at the end results, healthy Mom and healthy babe. For me, and passing no judgment on how others think, I feel that these Moms should not feel any less about themselves because they had to have a C-Section. Just my opinion and thanks for sharing yours Louise.

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    1. Thank you! It is so interesting how we all approach it and deal with it differently, right? That's what makes this world more interesting. As long as we all respect each other, less guilt to go around for all parents. Thank YOU for being one of those assisting in that operating room!

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  3. Lyndene9:58 AM

    Thank you for sharing, Louise! I've struggled emotionally for years in regards to my CSections, especially as a L&D nurse. But what it comes down to is that I also have 3 amazing, beautiful, mostly healthy children (I sympathize with the respiratory issues!). I am so thankful for our access to heath care and that my children and I could LIVE, not loose our lives like so many women have before us and still do in developing countries. I do wear my scar and my poofy belly with pride (most days :-), knowing that we made the right decisions in birthing our babies safely. Happy CSection month, beautiful mama!

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    1. Oh Lyndene, I can only imagine how you've felt with the added layer of being a L&D nurse! I hear you on the thankfulness of our health care. In my C-section with Kai, I had just been back from Kenya for a few years and just thought, what would they do in a remote village? What COULD they do? I actually love my scar, maybe I'm crazy :) You have three very beautiful amazing kiddos!

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  4. It is SO true how human nature is to see the silver lining, or say "it could have been worse" etc. in any situation where someone is struggling. It's very hard to be truly empathetic and just listen, and try to understand and support. You are a very good sharer & I love reading things like this! (oh, the fun things to look forward to in having babies...hehe!)

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    1. Oh man, you'll be an awesome mom :)

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  5. I understand the frustration and disappointment too. We had a doula, a birth plan, the works and instead ended up with an emergency c-section too. I'm glad that it ended the way it did though, because my son was only 4lbs 11ozs and had been in distress. Vaginal delivery might have meant he wouldn't have survived being born, which is a terrifying thought. I carry a lot of guilt around his birth too, but not just about the delivery, but the fact that he was so small and we didn't know. He's here now, and is a healthy active 6 year old.
    Seeing memes that say that our lives should have been placed in jeopardy or our babies not survive, or that we "couldn't get the job done properly and got lucky" because of some misguided nonsense makes me ragey. Thanks for sharing your stories and validating that is ok to be disappointed even with a good outcome.

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    1. A story for every birth, right? It sounds like quite a traumatic birth, glad he is okay!

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  6. I am also a repeat a c-section mom (one emergency and one planned)! I actually never had any guilt about having a c-section, so I find it very interesting that you did. I don't believe that the way my kids came into the world had anything to do with me. I am sorry that you have carried that guilt for so many years, but am happy that you are starting to let it go. You are an amazing Mama!

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    1. So interesting that we all approach it so differently! You had one natural one in there right? I wonder if because you know your body can do it, it helps with the feelings of a C-section, you know? I will never know if my body could've done it, but yes, glad that I'm pretty much past it, phew! Happy that you never had any guilt!! Too much of that going on :)

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  7. I totally understand and validate your feelings of failure and discouragement, I know that my head would go to the same place! I am so afraid of having a c-section. You are so brave to have done it three times!! I hope I look that good and happy at 7cm :)

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  8. I can really relate to your c-section story. I had so much disappointment and shame after mine. Most people play it off, like you say, but moms are born too and it matters for them as well.

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