Wednesday, November 23, 2011


This isn't well thought out but it's how I'm feeling.

The weather is not nice at all, it's just dark and gloomy. Cold and wet.

I have been home with the kids for 3 years. That, my friends, is a long time. It's a lot of changing, feeding, cleaning, refereeing, and all that jazz. Obviously I'm thankful for it but sometimes....

I feel like I want to go back to teaching part time but I guess I will need to wait about 2 years for that to happen. I would want to go back to the school I was at so there would need to be some sort of position open. Both Kai and Koen would be in school full time so that would be good, I would just need to ensure the greatest child care ever for baby Chapman.

I'm getting tired of these `Give me! Give me!' kids all day long. They are not really like this but when I'm tired and Gary isn't home for dinner and/or bedtime, it just feels like they are more ungrateful and demanding.

The kids have been getting up at 5:45am. This does not help my fatigue.

I sometimes miss the days where I could be selfish.

I'm feeling a lot of emotions about being pregnant. I wish I could explain them without sounding ungrateful. For two years, I imagined our child coming to our home by way of adoption. This is a huge change to my mindset. I really, really do want adoption to be in our future but I know that 4 kids is a huge, massive stretch for my husband. I'm sad that I lost the baby before this one, even though it was super early, it was still sad. It made me more hesitant and resistant to celebrate. Why does this one get to grow and the other didn't? Someone close to us recently lost their baby when momma was 8 months pregnant. It just makes your realize, again, that we really just have such little control over these little lives. Please know that I'm very thankful that growing inside me, it is very, very surreal.

Not sure why I'm feeling so unsettled. I think fatigue doesn't help right? Christmas holidays should be good. Gary will be home and there will be a lot of family time and yummy food. I'm seriously only buying my kids one present each. Not because I'm cheap but because I'm trying to get rid of this `Give me! Give me!' type attitude. They have way more than enough.

Well, that was enough rambling. I better get to work here while the kids have settled in front of the tv and aren't beating each other up.

Love, Louise

PS I love my boys. I love their cuddles and kisses. I love the conversations that Kai and I have at night when Koen goes to bed. Kai and I cuddle on the couch and just talk about life, it's really, really special. I feel like he actually really listens to what I have to say. Koen makes me laugh with all the names he calls me. Today he called me `little fella'.


  1. days like this come and it's ok, if you ask me. reflecting where you've been and where you're going. i like rambling posts :)

  2. I completely relate to how you are feeling. I love my kids but NEVER imagined I'd be a stay at home mom. I know it is an opportunity and gift that many women don't get but it is SO hard some days.

    I think I understand how you are feeling with the pregnancy too. Although we did adopt and so thankful for her, we are getting closer to having the official talk about whether to have another baby. Honestly, part of me feels guilty wanting to be pregnant again when we could bring an orphan home. Does that make sense? Not sure if another pregnancy is in our future, or if even another kid is, but either way I think I'll have a lot of conflicting emotions around it.

  3. Koen is a funny little kid:)
    Fatigue definately a contributing factor, as well as hormones!

  4. Aw, Louise, you don't have to feel bad about expressing the difficult feelings involved in being a parent, especially the WAH parent. We know you love your kids!! We also pretty much have all been there, I think! I'm not sure if all of your readers have, but all can imagine it, I'm sure. It's the hardest job in the entire world, and it is relentless. It is also the most rewarding! Probably because it is so much work. The hardest things in life really are the most rewarding, so often, and having kids is definitely in that category!! Hang in there!! ♥

  5. I always wanted to adopt a child into our family, but had to give up the dream when my husband didn't have the same feelings. I do still hope to foster parent one day though when our own kids are older.

    I hope the fatigue passes and is very quickly a distant memory!

  6. I'm happy to see that Koen is as funny as Kai. Little fella! ;) I feel blah on days like this too :(

  7. Maybe Lisa will go on a leave off absence to australia so that you can come back :)

  8. Your posts are always timely for me- I had a moment this morning, somewhere when Finn was just losing it over something ridiculous.. for the umpteenth time in an hour. Then I had a nice snuggle with the baby who is too old to slam doors :) Oh, and I love the one present idea. But of course, I am married to MikeyC who LOVES to buy Christmas presents, drives me a bit crazy but I know it's done in love.

  9. It is hard to do evenings and bedtimes on your own when the boys are the ages yours are. Is there a young neighbourhood boy or girl (10ish) who you could get to come over and play with the boys for an hour after supper, just to give you a break? Someone too young to babysit, but O.K. when you in the house, and would be happy to earn a dollar or two.

  10. I was thinking about this post last night in bed/or early this morning...and I thought to myself: good for Louise, it seems like she's mourning her miscarriage in a way. I sometimes think that people just pass off a miscarriage like it's no big deal. But how refreshing it is to hear you write about your loss this way. I really hope these hormones take it easy on you, and you get some rest soon! I totally agree with Melissa - it is a tough job, but oh so rewarding. Blessings today :)

  11. Well, if there's no assistant coach for the basketball team, maybe I could help out for the rest of the season after Christmas. Maybe I could relieve him of a practice a week.

  12. James! You guys are coming back to BC? I'll let Gary know. IF you had time to help, that would be so super awesome!