Monday, August 31, 2015

Fostering: Being a Family

I had an "interesting" conversation at the bank the other day. Someone found out that we were fostering a child and said, "Oh, I've been thinking of doing that to supplement my income." First of all, if you are planning on bringing a child from a hard place into your home, your heart needs to be in it.  It's not just about a safe home, it's about a nurturing one.  If I wanted to make an income that involved child care, I would do daycare during the day or have international students again.  I'm hesitant to write this because I don't think I can do it well enough (time is a bit more valuable to me these days!) but it's better to try than not to, right?

Yes, you do get paid to be a foster parent.  It is based on the level of care you are able to provide (dependent on the child's needs) and is combined with your educational and life experience.  What does this monthly rate (which is equivalent to a daycare) cover?  Day-to-day expenses; clothes, shoes, food, car seats, strollers, diapers, bikes, wipes, gas for driving to meetings and appointments, extracurricular activities etc. In order to foster, you need to NOT depend on that money as an income; it's not your job, it's your life.


What about time investment?  Whenever you add any child into your home there's the extra appointments (dental, doctor, specialists) and less time for yourself.  Are you willing to drive 2-3 times a week to meet with the birth family?  Are you available for meetings with a Child Development Consultant? Therapists?   What about the bedtime routines--are you willing to put in one to two hours every night until your child feels safe?  What about spending time forming an attachment?  It's like starting from the newborn phase and moving in fast forward (answering cries, responding to hurts, feeding, changing, reassuring etc) until the child feels that you will respond and they can trust you.

I say all of this because it's the reality.  I'm stretched.  I'm tired.  It's not easy.  From attachment to tantrums to paperwork to various therapies – there's so much to learn!  We're getting there – with a few more bumps than I'd like – but we're getting there.  "There" being a new normal and routine that works.  I know that one day we will experience what will likely be the hardest part; when our Little One returns home. I'm not sure when or how it will happen and I don't know how we will all respond.  What I do know is that for now we will continue to treat this child as our own.

I don't say this to dissuade you; I say this so that you can see that it's not a job. It's a commitment, a mindset, a new way of doing life.  It's being a family.



What do we get out of this?  Watching the Little One erupt into fits of giggles over the sheer joy of dancing with our kids makes me smile and laugh. Seeing a skill that we have been working on over and over and over ACTUALLY BEING USED is rewarding (and I may have cried. Twice. Or more.)  Having our Little One now run up to Gary with arms outstretched for a hug and cuddle is heart-warming – like, melt me now.   Hearing our whole family cheering "Yay! Haircuts are so fun!  Yay–the buzzer!  Cut my hair!  Yahoo!" is hilarious but I love that we work as a team to encourage experiences.  Seeing this child "thaw out" and explode with personality is remarkable. This is why we parent.  This is why we foster parent.  Joy. Laughter. Growth. Teamwork.  Opening up. Safety. Support.  Love.

Love,
Louise

PS It is so, so hard for me not to share photos of the joy and laughter of this Little One, just trust me, the photos I have are pretty cute!

12 comments:

  1. Thank you. I've had similar conversations with people around fostering... It's disappointing. Thank you for doing it for the right reasons and helping that little boy come alive again! It is so rewarding!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THanks, Katie! The investment (of time, energy and emotions) is huge but so are the rewards. As you know :)

      Delete
  2. Way to go Chapman family! This is not an easy 'calling' and I admire what you are doing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your encouragement, Carol!

      Delete
  3. Definitely not a money making plan. It is amazing, for the right family. I am so glad to hear how little one is adjusting and thriving with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, for the right family and the right time. We couldn't have done it before this point just in regards to our kids' needs and our marriage. I'm very happy the adjustment is going well, too--I thought it would take much longer! I'm sure it does in many cases.

      Delete
  4. Tearing up a bit on this one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love that you tear up as easily as me ;)

      Delete
  5. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Way to go with persevering and helping LO do something that previously he/she couldn't. So so rewarding to see that - I love that part the most about my job. I'm sure LO will continue to become more accustomed to being part of your family :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Love the truth to this! It's so hard to be around a situation where you hear people talking or behaving in that way like its a job or just waiting to get paid! Heartbreaking! The little one is blessed to have such a loving home as yours!

    ReplyDelete
  7. This was worded so beautifully, Louise. Thank you for your heart, and thank you for your wonderful family all going in this together and making a difference in this LO's life. What a blessing this is to all of you in that home! I happen to know of a few who have decided to "make money" fostering and it is so discouraging. But I have also seen what can happen when it is done properly. They really do become a part of your family!

    ReplyDelete