On the videos I sounded happy and calm and looking back, I was. Now there are very few videos because I'm running around after kids and dealing with "situations". Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy but I'm not sure where the calm and patient Louise went. I wonder if getting my lovely iPhone when Nya Bear was a one-year-old has contributed to where I spend my time and energy–I do appreciate my little pocket-sized escape from reality. Adding a fourth child has definitely affected our family dynamics the most. When our Little One is gone for the day, the stress level decreases and I feel more in control of my feelings.
If my patience and energy levels are lower, what do I have to offer to my Littles now? I need to remind myself that I still have two arms and a lap to embrace and hold them. I have more parenting experiences and tricks in my tool belt. I have added more siblings for them all to interact with and love so it's okay if I don't play with them as often. I have memories of my mom, a mother of five, low on patience and I still think she was an incredible mom who I am so thankful for–hopefully my own children will feel the same way.
I'm not sure if the knowledge that my patience level has decreased will help me. It will either kick start a change or I will come to the realization that it's normal and understandable that more kids means an increase in management which means this Mama is always going to be a bit more tired. In the meantime, I'm off to the park to hang out with my kids. Here's hoping they put their shoes on right away, no one takes off or pees their pants, and that they can make it the whole way without wrestling someone to the ground...