Wednesday, March 13, 2019

My Midlife Crisis?

I have been known to contemplate life frequently and maybe more than most people. I'm a type 1 on the Enneagram (Perfectionist/Reformer) and always seeking to improve myself. However, several months ago I realized that the questioning that I normally did once a month was taking over my thoughts throughout the entire day every day. Over and over I would say to myself "What do I want to be doing? What is best for me? For my family? How do I want to spend my time and energy? Am I okay if this is the way my life will be forever? Is there anything I "must do" before the end of my time here?" Was I depressed? No. Discontent? No. Finally, months later, it came to me:

This must be a midlife crisis.

Of course I then did what everyone does in 2019, I googled it to confirm. Upon reading through several different sources (there actually is not a lot of good information out there), I realized that this is likely the case. Some people spend money on clothes, cars and trips and others contemplate their purpose and meaning in life at great depth. Oh, and there's definitely been an increase in the amount of time spent observing these strange neck lines and creases I have on my face.

The timing of this makes sense. I am 40, my kids are now all in school, I have a foot injury that feels like it's taking forever to heal which prevents me from exercising the way I want, I've gone back to work outside the home and we have transitioned out of fostering. My mom was diagnosed with cancer at 48 which suddenly seems even MORE young than when it first happened (I'm just eight yeares away!). Life is short.

So what am I doing with this?  Allowing this phase to exist and not fighting it.

I'm in a stage and it won't last forever. 

I'll take one day at a time. Will I be working in September (which is really what a major focus of mine is)? Who knows! I will wait and see if a job is available and that will make the decision for me. I only want part-time so if it's full-time, I will substitute teach instead and hope to get enough work to pay for all the things like braces for the kids. I'm sure once I turn 50 I will go through another barrage of thoughts.

One lesson I have learned over and over in life (because apparently it doesn't stick) is that I only have so much control in my life and have to just trust that the rest will be okay.

I have a faith-based background and foundation which reminds me that He knows the plan for me and it's okay to not know everything.

For those of you with a few more years than me under their belt, did you go through this? What did a midlife crisis look like for you? 


How my midlife crisis manifested itself; there was a lot of contemplation and no new fancy hairstyle.


  1. Yup. It's like you read my mind. These days I can't stop contemplating, weighing decisions, doubting, panicking, etc.

    1. Not alone! It's wild how it's not just physical changes that we're dealing with but all the feelings/thoughts that come along with aging. Hope you are doing okay, Dee!